Subjective Chills
by Lost.In.Nightmares
Summary: Izaya is in a state of bitter chills and an unwavering past as he fights to keep his sanity and wit about him, but this informant wont fight it alone, as he reaches towards an unlikely character in hopes of finally escaping his past and moving on.
1. Chapter 1

This story is entirely a work of fiction I own no characters nor do I own the anime/manga DURARARA! If there are any similar events and or ideas then they are purely a coincidence, for all works and ideas are my own, other than the ones above, now enough with the I own nothing blah blah blah and on to the story please enjoy.

Chapter 1: No Ones P.O.V

The rain poured down mercilessly, as bright red orbs became hazy. The thoughts and word formed slowly, not making connections with each other as the pain and heat flooded the young informant's senses. Shaky laughter emerged from the soaked figure as he stumbled onward through the quiet, vacant streets.

"Love, hate, they barely boarder each other anymore, just flooding into a pool of emotions, and quite too often we actually misunderstand the true difference between them, or recognize them, how ironic," he said, an incredulous smile spread across his face.

He looked up into the flooded skies, a dim light hung behind the drenched clouds. Stars were cloaked with sadness as if to know or realize that no one wishes upon them, or sees them tonight.

Another stumbled movement came from the raven haired man as he made his way through the other wise no named streets.

"Love, hate….. What silly words they are. People don't even realize their true meaning anymore, yet it seems to be what the spit at each other the most, ne?" an inquiry was made to himself as he laughed weakly once again, knowing his questions and ponderings fell among deaf ears.

The young man continued further, his jacket soaked completely, clinging to the slim figure, a shiver now taking over his movement as cold rain drops and sharp breezes hit the already drenched clothes. As cold as he felt, his eyes stung with warm tears. He blinked them away cautiously as to not let them spill over the rim of his eyes. He stopped and sat down where he stood, crossing his legs and placing his elbows on his thighs. He laid his head down in his palms and looked at the ground.

His emotions swarmed through him, the rain washing away his painted smiles and his masks now slipping. He shook his head slowly, his eyes narrowing at the damp ground. The man squeezed them shut, letting cool drops slide over them and continuing over his flushed cheeks.

His raven hair clung to his neck and forehead, losing their once fluffy form.

He continued to shake his head, picking up the pace until he was violently shaking his head from side to side as if in denial.

The informant tried to regain his composure, trying to reorganize his scattered thoughts and emotions.

"Why commit yourself to love or hate," he began, voice shaking a bit as he breathed in slowly, " if you cant understand what its like to love or hate. How can you say ' I love you' if you haven't the slightest idea of how it feels when your heart flutters every time you hear their name, see their face, smell their essence," he paused, now opening his eyes, now glazed over with tears, "or how it feels when you push your self farther from them, or actually lose a piece of that person…. Or completely," he sighed.

"And how can you say 'I hate you' when you don't even understand how they could really hurt you, how they can pick you apart. How they can destroy your amour and kill you without even touching you," his breath hitched, he rose his voice, "how can you hate someone without even knowing them, without understanding them, how can you hate someone for being just like you? Hurt, isolated, and," he stopped, muffled sobs shook his body, "just….. h-hated for s-something you c-could never freaking c-control?" he finished, burying his head into his knees, arms wrapping around his shaking frame, in an effort to calm himself down.

"How can you hate someone who only looks for love, to be loved?" he sighed again, tears and rain mixing as they intertwined and slid down the ravenette's face, which was now dusted with a light pink that could be compared to that of a rose's petals.

"Love, hate, how can we really ever understand them at all? They're just too subjective" he laughed quietly, and with that, the young man slumped forward, falling onto his side, darkness encasing his vision as the world slipped out of his sight.

~end chapter one

If I should continue this then give me some reviews they make me happy ^^. Also slight note here, Izaya is slightly out of character but in later chapters, (if I continue) you will kind of understand it more after I think up something ;)

Happy reading

-Eri-chan


	2. Chapter 2

All sayings of "I own nothing blah blah blah" still apply~ so no suing cause I really cant afford it much anyway…. And I would still be trying to get my ass removed from the wall when I got around to telling my parents, "Hey mom and dad, I'm getting sued by a huge famous anime company isn't that swell?" Enjoy~

Chapter 2: _Izaya_'s P.O.V

Dark hands edged at my vision as I fell back into the nothingness that threatened my consciousness. I felt a glow sting my eyes as I opened them to see a room. A room that I knew. The walls were worn, the black marker seemed as vivid as the first day they consumed the walls. The curtains were dark, pulled closed leaving little light to filter through into the vacant room. I pulled myself up off the wooden floors, which were half beaten and worn with memories.

My vision blurred at the corners, as I continued to stare at and examine the familiar room. Then it clicked, as I remember it never really existed, not to anyone else. I looked into the corner where thick letters danced across the plastered walls.

_**THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN HAVE IN THIS WORLD, SO WHY DWELL IN FANTASIES?**_

__I read this to myself and though for a moment._ We dwell for the comfort of escape of reality ne? we dream of things we can never have because we don't believe we cant have them until we are gone…? Our own weakness limits us from pursuing these fantasies correct?_

Shaking the thoughts from my mind, I continued across the room, placing my hands against the cold wall. Almost instantly I flinched and pulled my hands back, as if the chilled walls had shocked me.

"_Izaya-kun_," a voice called out, I looked around the dim room, surrounded by gloomy walls and bleak memories.

_"Izaya-kun,"_ it said again, seeming to be rough by my neck. My ears twitched as I turned around to meet my own shadow cast on the wall.

I searched for the voice, but there was nothing. Just the same loneliness that had captivated my being for years.

A light tear rolled down my face._ I'm just so tired... of being alone. To achieve the role of God, is something I have sought for years, and yet as much as I surround myself with my humans and as much as I convince myself I am above their level, who is to say that I am? I cannot classify myself as a human nor a monster, so where does that leave me? Only to assume the role of God ne? But if I cannot be God, then where do I place myself? I only have the choice of God! For humans are to basic and can only assume positions of lower levels of power because they cannot except anything other than fact, or rely entirely on fiction, but they fall prey to their emotions and let them tear their mind apart. But a monster, a monster has no control, no morals; no human ties what so ever. So I must be a position of God! My emotions, my ties, my level….. Lead to what? Where has it brought me? God, what the hell is God? The creator of all beings, the basis of morals, the leader of religion, the one being that humans cannot see hear or meet, yet fear, love, and hate the most…The most confusing being of history, and yet the simplest to explain…. God is a puzzle, God is a fantasy…. God is love. God is hate. God…. Ha God is truly the basis of insanity itself; God is the source of blame. In a way, God is truth. _

I laughed weakly at this, questioning my own sanity at this point. I wiped the fallen tear and divulged in my own feelings at the moment. _The thought of being embraced in loved, is one that one can long for and pursue, but I've done so silently as to not lose my hard exterior and let it melt what logic I have. The thought of someone encasing their arms around my simple frame, is a thought that I can only dwell on._ I shivered at the emptiness I felt as I dove further into a long needed realization.

_Is it truly wrong to long for comfort after thriving on my own for years? Is it a sin within itself?_ I questioned myself further.

I looked at the graffited walls again.

_I know what you are. You walls, you are the barriers I built for all those years, _I paused, leaning against the sturdy walls. _And the marker, aha! The marker resembles all the lies I had to tell myself to keep these damn walls from crumbling. _

I gave out another shaky laugh.

_ And the voice, _I started, peering up at the ceiling, _The voice is the compassion that I could never truly feel._

I sighed now, beginning to feel weightless, falling backwards into the darkness.

Tears fell in reverse as I fell through my never ending subconscious, the familiar silver blade that I wielded now slashing through the yellow tape that bound me to the room.

_And I, the infamous Izaya Orihara, am the one who yearns for the love that I can never experience._

End chapter 2

Okay people who have read, I hope not to offend any lovers of God in the making of this crappily written chapter, and I know that Izaya seems waaaay out of character to some, but that is just how he will be in some of these chapters, which will become clear in due time I promise, but I mustn't say too much, or that will just ruin the fun no? Any who please leaves reviews they make me happy. Feel free to flame if you wish, but I probably wont give a crap anyways ^^ And im free to suggestions for corrections and upcoming chapters! Bear with me as I continue to write and as always…. Happy reading =)

~Eri-chan


	3. Chapter 3

Okay I really love the reviews from you guys Im pretty happy ^^ Sooooo I shall continue with a third chapter and if 'm not busy tonight, possibly another update? Well anyways I own nothing blah blah blah just enjoy this one is for SHIZU-CHAN =) Get pumped guys ^^

Chapter 3: _Shizuo_'s P.O.V

I sucked in another drag, cold air mixing with the intense burn produced by the addictive toxin. The air sliced at my throat, producing a cough as cold rain drops slid down my face. I flicked the cigarette aside and stuffed my hands in my pocket, staring at the ground as the periwinkle glasses i wore became clouded by the condensation of my own breath. I sighed and slid them off into my vest pocket, now staring up to catch a glimpse of the moon. A dark overhang of clouds blocked the bright orb, leaving a sense of darkness to coat the quiet city. I continued further through the silent streets. Everyone had already taken shelter from the downpour leaving only traces of life behind. My feet sloshed in the puddles and I merely shrugged it off, for I was already soaked through any how.

Izaya had not been out today, which somehow caused concern for me. The flea spent the past 8 or so years trolling this city and yet, it seems that he just disappeared, for he was no where to be seen for weeks. He passed by me only weeks ago, looking into my eyes. The way his orbs flickered, they were just… wrong. There was no smug smile on his face, no trace of arrogance in his eyes, just a hole. A large gaping hole that seemed to be missing. Though he only glanced at me that day, it felt like he stared at me trying to tell me something. But, I couldn't figure it out. At the moment, I though it was just another game that he was trying to play, but the loss of the pest seemed to prove something else. At a loss once again for an explanation, I ventured forth, making my way to my apartment.

A street lamp seemed to proovide the only dim light in the street, and I continued to look down. But, unfortunately, that caused me to miss the branch that I would now be walking into. Forced down onto the damp pavement, I growled and rose slowly, cursing the sin that protruded from the tree. Thats when something caught my eye. I slump in the corner of an adjoining street. The figure looked pathetic, a slow rise and fall was evidence that the creature was alive. With that said, I continued further towards my apartment, until I saw the light fur trim on the figure coat. _Izaya?_ I thought. I walked towards the figure now, raven hair now confirming my suspicion. _What the hell is this dumbass doing? Its raining….. its cold… and its dark… so why the hell is he on the ground…. Oh… shit…._

"Izaya-kun?" I questioned quietly, kneeling before the man. I placed my hands on the informant, turning him towards me. A pained flushed face caught me by surprise, as I felt a pang in my chest.

"Izaya-kun….? I tried again, gently shaking the man._ Damn…. okay for the hell of it…._

"IZAYA ORIHARA!" I yelled…. but despite my effort, I got no response from the slumped figure. _Either somethings seriously wrong with him besides his maniacal mentality, or he's better at this than Kasuka….._

This time, I placed my hand on the younger's forehead, now taking it away after feeling heat radiate from the wet skin.

_awwwwwww shit….. Now what?… Wait…. no… Hell no….. but I cant leave him…. Yes you can shizuo. Just walk away… slowly walk away…. But he's like… sick and shit…. and people suck…. so he'll probably stay here for like…. hours….. _

Author's friend's note_~ Shizuo if you leave him there… I will shove this pole so far up your ass that you wont walk strait for weeks! _

_Fuck my life….._

After conflicting with myself and a creepy voice in my head, I scooped up the man and lifted him up, his head now rested on my chest. Now, walking at a faster pace to get the two of us out the rain.

I closed the door behind me, and walked into my apartment, placing the informant on the couch. I proceeded to my room and retrieved a set of clothes. I stood infront of the man, trying to figure out the best way to unclothe and reclothe the man without causing an unintentional scene.

I slowly slid off the damp clothing and threw them behind me, listening to a slight plop as they hit the floor. I then looked away in the process of removing the soaked under garments, a slight heat rising to my cheeks. Then in the same delicate manner, I clothed the man and ran into my room like hell. After dressing myself in dry clothes and towel drying my hair, I walked into the living room to find the informant hanging over the couch. _He looks kind of cuuuu- um non-lethal when he's sleeping. What the hell was that Shizuo? You weren't really gunna call him cu-cu-cute right.? Nah… _

Shaking my head of the thoughts, I placed a throw over the man and retrieved a we cloth which i placed on his forehead. Sighing, I walked over to the side of the couch and sat on the floor, leaning onto it and crossing my arms. I craned my neck to look at him again, seeing no movement or facial expressions what so ever.

_Ohhhhh hell. How did this happen? First he disappears and gets me all worried and now he's here… In MY house, sick….. This is so awkward….. And why the hell isn't he crushed under my fridge yet? Usually he's just so God damn annoying but….. he's not…. What the hell is happening…. And his head…. I thought I saw something on the back of his head…. And were those bruises on his chest…. STOP IT SHIZUO! HE IS FINE! AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT HIS BODY…. Hell Im becoming a perv….._

"Arggg" I growled silently, shaking my head and cursing under my breath, _this cant be happening. He's not this… innocent, Im not this self-controlled and he is not here! I must be asleep at some place with Tom-san. Thats it. Thats got to be it! Now I'll be up any minute, the flea will be mocking me after I awake, and I will be ripping out a street sign or maybe even a vending machine and beat his face in… Yes this is it….._

"Shizu-chan?" A voice came from beside me.

"Shizu-channnnn?" it called again, sounding slightly desperate.

I got up and felt my face drop as the man eased up on his elbows and stared at me.

"Izaya, excuse me for a minute." I told him, now jumping onto my feet and walking into the kitchen. I picked up a pan and slammed it to the side of my head before feeling a sharp pain throb from my temple. I turned around swiftly to see a very wide eyed Izaya looking at me,his face still flushed but slightly amused and scared.

"oh….. So you are still here? Eheeeha…. Hi," I said dumbly, rubbing the side of my head before progressing to the next room.

_ Screw reality!_

~end chapter 3

Hope you guys liked this one. I wanted to provide at least some humor cause I like to make at least some of it light and like…. What the hell I thought this was a story… not a psychology entry~ But Shizuo is just the character to add the light hearted hahaha the story needed, since Izaya will prove to be the downer, and the funny bastard at some points as well. Special thanks to Kim for that lovely little threat to Shizu-chan. As I was writting she kinda just stood there and said I swear to God if you make Shizuo leave him there I will proceed to beat you with this lap top! Soooooo…. Instead of losing my laptop and my consciousness…. I kept n=both and let her put her threat into the story and let her change it a little. Please continue to review cause, Go ahead say it with me, It makes me happy ^^

happy reading

~Eri-chan


	4. Chapter 4

Heeeeeeelllllllllloooo~ Not really much to say this time around~ Just kinda got ahead and decided to write more chapters while I had the chance, needless to say that free periods become writing periods and after school time is hw times,sleep time, and thinking time ^^. So now I present you with chapter four (for some reason was thinking 2 o.O) and this one is Izaya~ so I own nothing blah blah blah you get the point but I must ensure my safety =) Enjoy~

Chapter 4: _Izaya_'s P.O.V

I felt as though I was now being lifted, drifting into a firm embrace. I looked around, but only saw a light reflection of bright red orbs upon the shadowy walls of my mind. I felt this warmth, radiating from the nameless grip. A sensation that I could not identify. The cold loneliness that cloaked over me seemed to melt, and I took advantage of this. I closed my eyes and had no intentions of re-opening them, for I knew that if I did, I would awaken to the same reality that frosted over me.

I curled my body, feeling this… this "heat" encircle me. I longed for the reality of this touch, this warmth, and yet felt driven from it. Hours seemed to pass in this state, caught it wonders and simple questioning. The warmth that I felt seemed to be replaced by a similar feeling, but it was… lighter~ And this, I had no explanation for.

_If the feelings of coldness and desolation are the realities that I have come to grasp, then what is this new feeling? Why now? What have I done differently that has brought about this..? Death perhaps? No, for the kiss of death only produces chills from a still beat heart. Then what? Warmth, a sense of wholeness…. What does this emerge from? The past that has been bestowed upon me has no been a past of warmth and comfort, so it can not be reminiscence…But the future has not been told, so I am not able to process forthcomings… so this must be a reaction of the present. The sun? Has it been hours since the moon drifted onward? No… it couldn't have been ne? So… have I been granted my position amongst the gods themselves? No, of course not, for if I were to bask in such a glory, I would have to see an end to a somewhat grueling past, and that, I have yet to see. Damn this~_

I continued to question this, but I felt something pulling at me, lifting my mind from its submerged slumber. As I pulled from this state, I felt my eyes flutter open, meted not with the outside world, but a quaint place. _Wait…this place… No way…_

"Shiz-chan?" I asked at first, now recognizing the poorly furnished apartment.

"Shizu-channn," I called, now wanting to be granted with his presence.

The taller man stood from beside the couch, which I found to be what I was laying on, along with a light throw…. And was this his shirt?

I eased up onto my elbows and stared at the latter.

"Izaya, excuse me for a minute," he said rather quickly, nearly sprinting into the kitchen. I watched the man in awe as he retrieved a fair sized pan and proceeded to slam it into his temple, a rather harsh 'dong' coming from the collision. He stared at me for a moment, blinking rapidly. I could only stare, for such odd acts were unfamiliar to me, a usual growl and sound of groaning metal usually met my sense upon meeting the blonde, but this time he seemed rather surprised that I was here.

"oh….. So you are still here? Eheeeha…. Hi," he said sheepishly, now rubbing the side of his head where the now dented pan had made contact.

He shook his head and proceeded into the room that I was situated in. I felt a damp clot in my lap, as it had slid off my head upon rising. I laughed weakly and looked at the man before me.

"And what was that exactly eh Shizu-chan? I'm the one who should be trying to figure out if this is real or not, for I woke up in your house, not the opposite, so enlighten me, how the hell did I get here, and why exactly?" I asked in a calm manner, a slight flutter meeting my heart as he blushed upon the question.

"ummm well actually, I kinda just saw you. In the street, umm kinda knocked out and soaked… so I decided instead of letting you die there, cause lord knows that every gang would have had your ass by now, I brought you here. Why? I don't know exactly, I guess it just made sense. Now, answer a question for me," he said, now looking directly at me.

"Hm?" I replied.

"Where the hell have you been? Every day instead of seeing your smug ass trolling the streets, you're no where. Shinra as no clue where you are, Celty hasn't received any assignments from you at all, and even that ass… what the hell is his name, shiki-san is it? Even he isn't aware of your location as of late. Why are you suddenly not interested? Is this another one of your games or something, cause I swear if,"

"Look, Shizu-chan, what I have been doing with my time really doesn't concern you, and as too my ties, they have been severed for the moment. So, I would greatly appreciate it if you kept your mouth shut. As for this being a game, life is a game. We are pawns, so your answer is ultimately yes. Is this my game? No. I have no intentions of screwing around, for that wouldn't really be my best choice at the moment, granted that you already brought me here, I'm sure that you have some other intentions lurking in that head of yours. Though I must applaud you, for you have actually gotten me into your territory, and now if you wanted to kill me as you have wished for all these years, there is really nothing stopping you ne?" I said, interrupting the man.

"I brought you here because I know right from wrong. And it would be _wrong_to leave you there in that condition. I don't know if you've noticed, but your not exactly well Izaya," he sighed with this.

"I am who I am Shizu-chan, and there's no changing that."

"You know that's not what I meant. I mean you don't realize that your head is burning, your face is flushed, and you look like you got beaten to high hell. The back of your head is busted and your abdomen is covered in bruises, which I promise you is as far as I looked~" he added quickly, matching my gaze.

"Hmm… observant are we? Well yes you could say that I'm feeling a bit under the weather and actually, it's quite a funny story of how I received these wounds, but I'm not really in the mood for story telling at the moment. So, let me ask you another question Shizu-chan~" I sang, "Why are you concerned?" I asked, placing my head on top of my interlaced fingers, elbows now digging into my thighs.

"Because, because something's just wrong, and don play stupid cause you know exactly what I'm talking about. Now I don't know if something happened, or if you even want to discuss this whole thing in the future at all, but there is something defiantly wrong and at the moment, I feel as if I should be the one to help you," he said quietly, now looking at his feet, his hands stuffed in his pockets.

My breath hitched for a moment. I didn't expect that would be something that would come out of the blonde's mouth, but the statement had not seemed false, for I wanted to tell him, to completely divulge into this matter, but something burned at my heart, telling me that it should just be buried and forgotten, but at this rate, I wasn't sure what I should listen to anymore, hell I wasn't even sure if anything mattered at this point, because for once Shizuo was right. Something is wrong. I was beaten to hell, and I did want him to help.

I felt a slight heat rise to my cheeks upon this thought process and shook my head, now feeling a dull throbbing sensation throughout my skull. I gently rubbed my temples and turned my gaze back to the man, a new feeling seemed to play between us, yet this feeling to me was still unknown. It was like a song that had been hummed for years, yet no one knew what is was called, but it was the most famous tune in the world. This was my time to name this tune and decide whether or not to sing this tune and live it, or to just let it float into the air, and thus be forgotten.

"okay Shizu-chan, you really want to help?" I started, watching him nod.

"Then I shall tell you about the past events in order leading up to this point in time, as we speak. Now, tell me where you want me to start, and I will, on one condition~" I looked at him.

"Which is?" he started.

"Just let me rest until morning, or what ever time I shall wake. Tomarrow is your day off correct?" I sighed, now feeling awkward.

"Yes." He said plainly.

"And one more thing Shizuo," I said, now realizing I had used his full name.

"Hm?" he looked up, now turning his attention to me.

"A decent place to sleep? No offence but this couch of yours is really killing me," I smiled, trying to lighten the mood slightly while hiding my true intentions.

"Fine, sleep in my bed, its probably better for you, I'll sleep on the.."

"I'm sure I wont take up too much space Shizu-chan, just share it," I said quickly, now looking at him for a reaction to my request.

"Deal, 'long as you don't push me out the other side, then you should be fine, hope you're not a restless sleeper Izaya," He said a smirk now spread across is face, his features softening.

"Wont even know I'm there," I replied. And with that, I rose from the couch and followed the older man into his room.

_Hmmmm….maybe this isn't wrong. A sin within itself it may seem to some, but hell, I never seemed to pay much attention to sin anyways did I?_

End chapter 4

WOOOOOOOOO such a long chapter for me I swear my back is going to just break when I finally get out of this chair. But anyhow its worth it. Now….. To my readers, you see that I did a lot of foreshadowing, so who ever can guess what the hell happened gets a cyber cookie. But, in a way its kind of not obvious, but it is, and me being the bastard that I am ~so says the spazzing Izaya fan sitting behind me~ I'm going to make our little Orihara friend here suffer just a little, but Shizuo is gunna be there~ yeah… Anyways please review it makes me happy and Im still open to all suggestions! Now off my fanfic-maniacs! (meant in the most awesome way possible :D) Read, review, and sniff a tree if that's what you do in your spare time!

Happy reading

~Eri-chan


	5. Chapter 5

Hello my peoples~ my mom broke my laptop so I will have to either use my neighbors computer or rent one at the library to update chapters for you guys, so be patient if I take some time between chapters~ Now, I'm very pleased that I'm getting reviews from you guys, so I shall reward you with another chapter. So far no one has been able to receive his or her cyber cookie yet, so COME ON! Jk~ Though I did have a close guess…. But oh well too late now cause you're about to find out enjoy~

Chapter 5: _Shizuo_'s P.O.V

I led the younger man into my room, standing aside to let him pass. He made his way to the bed, sitting on it and starting to bounce.

"Having fun?" I asked, amused by the man's behavior.

"Only as much as you are," he smirked, I now felt a heat rise to my cheeks. Looking down to avert my eyes I walked across the room taking my place next to him, feeling the bed spring as he continued to bounce, his fluffy hair flopping about. He paid no attention to me, only staring at his bare feet.

I wasn't sure what to say at this point, but for some reason the situation did not faze me. Why, I have no idea. But the anger that I once held towards the man seemed to seep out of me, and at this point I wasn't even sure why I had hated the man the way I did. Sure on occasion he annoyed the fuck outta me, but I don't know why it got me so mad, his face his clothes his smell, all things that would just piss me off, but now, they seemed to be something that I wanted to see, that I _longed _to see. And yet I wasn't able to realize such a thing until he was gone. People actually started to wonder if I had killed the informant.

My thoughts were interrupted by something crashing into my chest. I looked down only to be met by bright red eyes that stared straight into mine. I don't know when he stopped bouncing, or how long I had even been thinking, but now the man had my attention. His face reflected no emotion, only a blank canvas, begging me to paint it with some type of expression.

I lifted a hand and put it on top of the man's head, now running it through in a petting motion, his eyes closed and his body relaxed into mine, a feeling that I had not felt had now set into my system, granting me with a hastened heart beat. Being cautious as to not hit the irritated mark on the back of the man's head, I went around it and continued a clumsy path through his hair. His face now set into a soft smile, and a word seemed to dance on his lips, but it remained unspoken.

The silence continued for a while, only actions and expressions to replace the unneeded dialogue between us, and at no point did the moment seem awkward. Just as normal, as if it was supposed to happen. I smiled at this thought.

_ If he could really be like this, then why hide behind the act of a smug ass troll? Why try to capture God into your own being if you could be this civil and… well just enjoyable? Why try and push people away from you and set them with a tainted image of your self when you have the qualities it takes to be an amazing person? Why would he choose such an isolated life for himself when he had everything he needed? Damn it Izaya you fool, why did you have to go and make life so much harder than it had to be?_

I pondered this until I felt a hand tug at my sleeve. Peering down I saw the him looking straight at me.

"Shizu-chan let me ask you a question?" he started, now leaning up to look at me more directly. I gave him a nod to proceed.

"I understand that you have this ability to tap into the blocked off part of your mind that allows you this amazing strength and an unlimited amount of adrenaline to fuel it," he paused and I nodded again.

" And now I wonder that if you have this power, than how do you control it? You seem to think that you can't mainly because once your temper flies, you seem to destroy everything that's in you path, but that's not really true is it?" He stopped.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well if you were unable to control it, then most things that you touch would crumble, most things that you grasp would be crumpled, and most things that you bumped into would topple over, but these things do not happen, so there must be a limit."

"Continue,"

"Now, if you have this limit in everyday life, then why do you feel like you are unable to control yourself when you are angered?"

"I never really though about it, but I don't feel like I'm in control when I'm angered because even when I want to stop, I feel myself continuing to propel forward." I said, sighing.

"Now this is the tricky part that is viewed as subjective. I believe that you feel no control at this point because something has threatened either you wellbeing or your state of mind. Now, when you are 'pissed' your state of mind, which was once calm and collected, is now shifted and broken. Now, you say you hate violence, which is true, but the first thing that comes to our mind when we are met with an issue, is to stop the issue, or silence it. So, when you think about this, your mind automatically sets to the first and most definite way to stop the issue: Kill. The only reason why most of your victims are still alive is because you won't let yourself go that far, because honestly that's not what you want," he stopped.

" Yeah."

" Yes, so with this in mind, you actually have a very good sense of control! For you can bend the initiative to your favor, which would be to stop the problem, without killing. So, maybe you didn't see ir before, but now you can, Shizuo, you are not a monster at all. Fr you do have morals, emotion, and self control. You, my friend, are just a slightly confused individual who just needs someone to hear them out for the best!" he exclaimed, pleased by this revelation.

"Wow, I really never thought of it like that. See this is what I'm talking about Izaya, you have all these qualities that make you very likable and a very talented individual, but you just paint over this with such a grim image to replace it. Why do you do this to yourself?" I questioned, my hands balled at my sides.

He seemed to be very taken a back by this, but then opened his mouth.

"Shizu-chan, to be honest, I do this to myself because that is what needs to be done. The attention that I seek from people is not what every one else seeks. I seek the attention that drives people away from me, now mind you this seeks very much negativity, but that is much easier to deal with. Losing people that mean nothing to you is easy enough, because there are no emotional ties behind their being. But, getting close to intelligible and decent individuals causes many emotions that makes us want to latch on to them, and that I could never do."

"Then why me? I may not be intelligible or decent, but I'm not exactly the shit you deal with everyday."

"Well," he started, now looking at me, his eyes burning into mine, " You, Shizuo Hewajima, are the most interesting individual I have ever met in my entire life. While you may not be a mad genius or a Da Vinci, you are you. You are completely unpredictable, and easy to be intimidated by. But I'm not intimidated, and in all actuality, I'm very drawn to you in every way possible."

End chapter 5

OKAY! Done are we? Yup. Anyways I guess I will divulge into the incident in the next chapter. Hint Hint FLASHBACK :D

So you guys have another chance to earn a cyber cookie. Review review because it makes me happy, and thank you to those who have put this story as their favorites, and those who continue to read and review. I LOVE YOU ALL ^^

Happy reading,

Eri-chan


	6. Chapter 6

Okay i finally got a free day to come type this at the library guys so sorry for making you wait so long I'm an ass~ Lol, I love the support that I've been getting for all my chapters I mean, its really motivating ^^. But, other than that I will give you your flashback that you've been waiting for! Now, you wills ee what infamous hell that Ive put our little informant through~ WILL GET GRAPHIC IN THIS CHAPTER. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK HEART OR DO NOT LIKE SEEING OTHERS GET ABUSED IN ALL MAY I STRESS ALL WAYS THEN SKIP THIS CHAPTER AND WRITE IT IN THE REVEIEWS AND I WILL SUMMARIZE THE CHAPTER FOR YOU.

_But, for those of you who can handle it, enjoy~ _

Chapter 6: Flashback: Orihara, Izaya

The informant gradually made his way through Ikebukuro. Another call of business had led him out of his home and onto the busy streets. Simon stood in the middle of the square today again, yelling happily about his sushi in his broken English.

"Come to Russia sushi! It good!"

His arms flailed about and he bent down to meet the gaze of passerbys in hopes of handing them a flier. Some gladly took them while others ran from the large man hoping to make good distance between them. Izaya had looked in his direction, but avoided him today. He was already short on time, but he did make a mental note to stop by to get some of that fatty tuna that he loved so much after wards. He kept his hands in his pockets and proceeded further into the city, passing groups of teens and lovers. He paid no attention to the people today, for his mind was set on one person.

He passed a couple alleys and the usual crowd of gangs who only looked up at the informant to grimace at the figure. Usually Izaya would take this chance to antagonize the group, but he just moved forward, a slight hum of conversation slowly fading from his ears. Izaya rounded another corner and made his way into a large gray building. Shiki-san had asked the informant to meet the client here. The person of interest was apparently a flight risk to the Yakuza and Shiki wanted some information to proceed forward. Izaya had done his homework on the man, and was hardly surprised with his past, but something was telling him that this was going to turn out very badly, for the entire aurora of the room seemed to scream negativity, but he couldnt turn back now.

The informant leaned back on the wall. The interior was poorly furnished, even Shizuo had a nicer place than this~. Never the less, Izaya forgot about this and continued to scan the building, checking his phone for any messages but found none. The place seemed to be abandoned, but this really didn't matter to the ravenette, for he had met clients in a variety of places ranging from parks to alleys to strip bars. He laughed mentally at that, and continued to look around, Shiki's warning ringing in his ears.

"Get the information and get out. You don't need to waste any needed time with the man, his appearance may not strike you as, how do I put this, lethal, but he is not a character to be messed with. I trust that you will heed my warning hm? Now, i suggest finding out background information on the man, but I bet your already thinking of possible searches on the man eh? Well, don't waste my time, and Izaya, trust me on this one, in and out, thats all I need, cant go losing my best informant now can I? You may leave~"

His ears twitched as almost silent clicks picked up in his ears. He swiftly swung around to face the approacher, his index finger sliding along the blade in his pocket.

"Hmmm, and you must be Hiroshu, Sosuke I presume? Arrested 8 times, a former yellow scarf, and a skilled underground arms dealer~ It's a pleasure. I also most congratulate you on your early release, must be hell in a place like that eh?" he smirked slightly, matching the gaze of the man in front of him.

"Ah, so someone has done their homework eh? And you must be Orihara, Izaya, Shiki's best! Guess that means I'm pretty special if he sends out the big guns just to meet with me. Ha," he laughed softly, but his entire composure seemed off. His laugh was not one of humor, but one of evil, he knew something that Izaya didn't know, and this made the man slightly uncomfortable. He tightened his grip of the knife in his pocket.

"But, there is something that you missed Izaya-san," he said, a wicked smile was now spreading across his face. The informant metaly cursed and inhaled slowly.

"And what would that be hm?" he said, trying to mask the uneasiness i his voice.

"That you my friend, are about to get your ass handed to you," he laughed.

And on that note, the informant met a strike to the back of his head, a warm tingling feeling now encasing his head. He stumbled forward but years of being trampled by various street objects had prepared him for something as simple as a pipe. Izaya spun on the balls of his heels and plunged his knife into the attacker's shoulder, sinking it to the hinge before ripping it out mercilessly. The man stumbled back with an incredulous look on his face before screaming out in shrill pain. Two other men lunged at him from the other side of the room. Izaya quickly stepped to the side and let them stumble forward before striking one with the edge of his heel, making direct contact with the small of his back. The man gasped and fell forward, while the other turned and grabbed for Izaya, who thrust the knife forward after planting his feet on the floor. His knife had sunk into the man's throat, earning a gurgle from him as he spat blood and fell on the other man. One tried to make his way to his knees but Izaya planted his foot in his face, hearing a crack and watching the man fall back onto the floor. The three men all laid in an awkward position, either in immense pain, knocked out, or dead.

The informant looked around for Sosuke, but turned too late to meet the man.

"Tsk tsk tsk Izaya, not enough!" And the man thrust the pipe into the same spot as before, sending Izaya forward.

Damn you Sosuke~

**OKAY THIS IS WHERE IT GETS GRAPHIC PEOPLE I SUGGEST YOU EITHER ENJOY AND SCROLL FORWARD OR JUST SKIP THIS NEXT PART ALL TOGETHER, THIS NEXT PART INVOLVES SEXUAL ABUSE AND IS NOT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART OR FOR THOSE WHO ARE DISTURBED BY SUCH. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

Izaya woke to a dim light above his head. The pavement inderneath felt cold. He tired to move but was unable to. He opened his eyes in alarm as he realized he was unable to function.

"It's no use Izaya-san, you are under an intense drug called Rohypnol. So there will probably be no chance in hell of you moving for a little while, or at least you wont move in the way you want to~" he smiled that sick smile again, making the informant feel slightly nauseous.

Sosuke slowly made his way toward the man, walking painfully slow as the informant could only grimace.

"Have you ever been topped? If not, this might be an enjoyable thing for you, but either way I'll still get something out of it eh?" He said, crouching next to the man. He started to nibble on the ravenette's earlobe, earning a low groan from the younger's throat.

Izaya was very displeased with the sound that just emitted from him, he didn't want this, this was WRONG.

"nnnnooo, don't! stop, just hnn" he sighed.

But he didn't stop. He started to suck on the tender skin near the mans neck, Izaya squirming slightly under his touch, unable to move enough to get away. He trailed kisses down to the collarbone, and nipped the skin drawing blood.

He pulled out the favored silver switch blade and made a long thin slice down the mans abdomen, slicing through the thin shirt, earning a hiss from the younger.

"Mmm you like this don't you? So you are just a masochistic man whore. Well, I'll leave plenty of marks so you wont forget then heh," he said, slipping his hands under Izaya's shirt, tweaking his nipples until they were hard.

"nng" Izaya moaned slightly, biting his tongue as to not be any louder. Izaya's mind was reeling, his body wouldn't listen he didn't want this he never wanted this, _why the hell is my body acting this way_? He thought, unable to control the low moans and groans that slipped between his lips.

The man now started to lift Izaya's shirt over his head, tossing it aside as he crashed his lips into the informant's. The rough kissed made Izaya wince as he felt Sosuke nip at his lower lip, forcing his way in his mouth. He felt Izaya's damp cavern and continued to explore, until he felt the man bite down hard on his tongue, drawing blood.

"mm, Play nice now eh? Wouldn't want that pretty lil face of yours to be tampered with now would we?" He sighed, pulling aside Izaya's pocket knife and sliding it down the side of the mans face, a thin line of blood now seeping out. He sucked on the skin all the way down Izaya's abdomen, earning little yelps when he bit down.

"hnnn, Fuck, stop," he gasped, feeling a hand reach into his pants. He shook his head violently, _DON'T_, he screamed mentally.

Sosuke slowly started to slide off his own jeans, tossing them aside in the empty garage. A large bulge now present in his boxers.

He worked off Izaya's pants, sliding them down the man's thighs with his teeth. He then slipped them off and threw them in to the growing pile of clothing, biting down on the man's inner thighs.

Izaya watched in horror as the man above him began to slide off his boxers. Izaya's breath hitched as his own erection hit the cold air. Now extremely displeased at how his body had reacted to the abuse.

Sosuke's smile only grew larger. He dipped down to Izaya's member and took him whole into his mouth.

"HAAAH!" he yelled, feeling the damp mouth around his penis. Izaya gripped his hair, teeth clenched as Sosuke began to bob his head and deep throat the man. Izaya groaned loudly, unable to stifle it.

"mmmm" Sosuke groaned, the vibrations nearly sent Izaya over the edge.

"St-st- STOP!" Izaya yelled, unable to take control of the situation.

He withdrew his mouth from around the man's member, biting the tip before speaking.

"Hmm, so you are a virgin heh? It must be my lucky day."

Sosuke peeled off his own boxers now, and lined himself up with Izaya's hole.

"No, NO! DON- AHHH!" his plea was cut off by Sosuke's cock being thrust into him.

Izaya clawed the man's shoulders, leaving scratches on the man's skin.

"Hope you eehh, like it rough Izaya-san," he said, half grunting as he made his way down into the tight mans entrance.

Izaya yelled as Sosuke kept thrusting into that one bundle of nerves. Tears met his eyes as he felt his ass being torn apart by the man's continuous thrusting, no preparation had been made for the rough entry and Izaya felt as though blood was sliding out of him.

He let his tears fall freely now, not caring anymore, for his pride was already stripped from him at this point.

Sosuke let out hungry growls and groans as he continued to hastily thrust into the man, balls deep each time, smirking at the flushed pained/aroused expression.

"Hnnn haaaa-," Izaya's eyes were met with white as the tension that had built had now released in the form of a hot thick liquid.

Sosuke soon came after, lapping up whatever he could, before biting the man's collarbone again.

He looked back at the man, now starting to dress. His body was covered in purplish bruises and blood trickled down some of the pale skin. Bruises now started to form where he had gripped Izaya's thighs.

He smiled and laid a swift kick to the man's side, hearing a low pained groan, before walking out of the garage.

Izaya looked to one side, feeling immense pain all over his naked abused body. With all the strength he had, he dragged himself across the pavement and cuddled with his jacket crying freely. He closed his eyes and sobbed silently, hoping that some how or way, he would be helped, but even he knew that wouldn't happen. He only wished for one thing at this point.

"Sh-shi-Shizuo, please, help me," he cried, feeling the harsh cold encase his body, along with darkness as he fell backwards into a state of unconsciousness.

~IM SO SORRY DX But I had to guys. Hope you… well…. Not enjoyed, but did enjoy, oh what ever, please review and don't kill m for having an OC rape Izaya~

Happy Reading

~Eri-chan


	7. Chapter 7

Okay people, I'm back to write another chapter. SO to clear up any misconceptions, the last chapter was just a flash back and not a dream and while that may seem to be a weird way of organizing the story. (Ty, to my beta-reader for helping me write that one, cause yeah... hard stuff there) Well oh well XD any who this will be Izaya's p.o.v starting from the conversation he was having with Shizuo in his bedroom. Now, for anyone who skipped the last part of the chapter due to any type of complication whether it be emotional or your computer being an ass, Izaya was raped by an O.C named Sosuke Hiroshu. Now, Izaya will explain this tragedy to Shizuo in the best way possible because we all know that Izaya needs a strong, broad shoulder to lean on ne? Alright, enough of the rambling and on with the chapter.

Chapter 7: _Izaya_'s P.O.V

"Well," I started, now looking at him, my eyes burning into his, " You, Shizuo Hewajima, are the most interesting individual I have ever met in my entire life. While you may not be a mad genius or a Da Vinci, you are you. You are completely unpredictable, and easy to be intimidated by. But I'm not intimidated, and in all actuality, I'm very drawn to you in every way possible."

I saw the man's face drop a little and turn an absurd shade of red before he looked down quickly and balled his hands in his lap.

I smiled at this, for the sight of the blonde being so flustered was rather flatering and, hell, it was kinda cute.

"Izaya, if its not too much to ask, and I'll understand if you say no, but can you please start to tell me what happened, I mean if you really want to wait until morning that's fine, but.."

"Just tell me where you want me to start, I cannot make any promises to stay fully concious, but I'll tell you as much as I can until I do fall asleep. Fair enough?" I interrupted, feeling a constricting feeling in my chest.

The blonde nodded. "Start where ever you want, I just want to know everything.." he said, trailing off.

"Hmmmm, well I guess I could start with Shiki-san then. I got an email from him that he had an assignment and so I went to meet him, it was normal. But, the tone he held was a little off, so I already knew that the assingment was either important, or it was lethal. Haha, got screwed over with both didn't I?" I gave off a laugh but Shizuo didn't seem to find it as funny.

"Hmmm, so yeah," I coughed, " he had told me about a person of interest who he needed information on. The man, Sosuke Hiroshu. Now, Shiki-san usually isnt all that worried about criminals but this one had a past with the Yakuza. You see Shizu-chan, arms dealers are very important to some people, and will strike a deal in anyway possible just to have access. Now, Shiki-san doesn't rely on such access, and when Sosuke had shown up, he had rejected him, making the man furious, but had done nothing but leave. You follow so far?"

He nodded.

"Good. Now, this man had struck a deal with the yellow scarves and become a member for a while, before their leader had returned. The leader had come back after some time and really didn't have a problem with his presence until he had more information on the guy. His colleagues had told him that Sosuke had a "thing" for teens. The leader had him kicked out by force, and the man had been arrested, again, for being caught in the act. Now, he had been gone for a short while, but got out on parole a few months before meeting with Shiki-san again. He hung low for a good amount of time and then decicded to make contact with the Ykuza again hoping to make a deal with Shiki. Shiki-san knew of the mans past and knew that he couldn't be trusted, but an outright rejection for the second time could prove to be dangerous, so he told him that he would meet with yours truly. Follow?" I asked, leaning into the headboard next to him as he sat cross legged in front of me.

"I do," he nodded.

" I had gone to get details from Shiki-san and he had warned me of the man, and I listened and left, gathering the needed information on my own. The most important reason why he had decided to talk first was the fact that Sosuke had ties with a couple low lying gangs, which could prove to be a problem, seeing as though Shiki was in no mood to be ambushed at the moment by a couple of gangs with guns. I was asked to get as much information out of him as I could, hopeful to see if this was in fact true. Unfortuenately, I didn't get really anything out of the man that was of interest…" I sighed, looking down.

"What… what did he do?" Shizuo asked timidly, looking slightly afraid of what I was going to say.

"Well, it's pretty simple Shizu-chan. Im sure you already know. He raped me," I said, my voice shaking slightly.

The mood in the room seemed to turn a little as Shizuo balled his fists and said something under his breath.

"THAT SON OF A BITCH FUCKING RAPED YOU?" His voice began to rise as slight maniacal laughter emerged from the man.

"Hahahaha…. That bastard is going to die. Haha…Rape huh? I'm gunna make him wish he was still in his cell,, hehe," he laughed shakily, his eyes closed and his hands gripping his pants tightly.

"Is that all he did to you? Wait, the marks, Izaya, what else did he do to you?"

"Well, after I met with him he kinda laughed and had his friends ambush me and then he knocked me out and then… well… drugs and and other shit.. well I guess you get it huh?" I said, slightly rambling as my eyes burned with tears.

I closed my eyes and tried to keep the tears from poring over the edge like they wanted too.

I felt the man wrap his arms around me as I looked up to see his eyes closed. His cheeks seemed to be wet, as I now felt a slight dampness on my shoulder.

_He's crying for me? Why the hell would he cry for me? After years of putting him through hell itself, he's sitting here crying over this? _

I was shaken from my thoughts as a slight throbbing seemed to emit from the back of my skull and encase it completely.

I unwillingly pushed away from the man and rubbed the back of my head, trying to soothe the irritated injury. I winced at the dis-comfort that I still felt from moving and slid back.

"Did you even go to Shinra yet?" He asked, unsure of how to help.

"No, how am I supposed to go to him like this? Oh, Hey Shinra buddy ol' pal guess what? Ha, funny story I kinda got ambushed and crap and the back of my head is kinda screwed up. Oh, the bruises, don't mind these ol' things they're just from someone fucking me senseless against my will and then beating me in the process. Oh really, I never knew that was called RAPE! Oh, you wanna check out my ass, you dog you, BE MY FUCKING GUEST!" I started to yell, sobs taking over.

"Shit.. I'm sorry." He said, huggin me trying to console me.

I tried to stop myself but had no luck as the tears continued to roll down my face.

"Izaya, look at me for a second," he started, pulling away to face me.

I turned my head up to look at him as he spoke.

"I may come off as the guy who wants to kill you with anything that's around me and try to beat you to high hell, but God, I never wanted to hurt you in the first place. It was just, the first day I saw you something clicked in my mind and I felt something, and I thought it was hate, but now I know that I was wrong for all these years. Every time you got hurt I thought I was happy, but something just seemed wrong about it, and I could never understand what that was because I thought that it was just meant to be this way. But it seemed that every time I got annoyed I blamed you, but I never really wanted to end up as your enemy Izaya, not, not like this," he stopped and caught his breath.

"Look, I know that I may have fucked up for a long time but now I know that I want to make this better and I want to help you in anyway possible. Izaya I want to be with you I want to help you through this I don't know what to call this but if its love, then so be it, as long as I get to be by your side and help you, protect you, and be the one to make everything be alright when you feel like the shit is hitting the fan. Izaya, I hope you don't mind all this, but I think that I love you," he said quickly, sincerity hanging on every word as he spoke it too me.

"I… I… why? Why me? You could waste your time doing anything in the world, but you choose to waste it on me, and at this point commit yourself to me, why?" I said, almost unsure if this was real or not.

He put out a hand to catch a tear that slid down my face. "It's like you said, you, Izaya Orihara, are the most interesting individual I have ever met in my life. And thouh you may seem like an arrogant flea who likes to make hell on Earth, I know that's not who you are, and because of what you ar and what you do, I am drawn to you in every way possible," he said, placing a soft kiss on the top of my head.

I looked at him and couldn't help but smile._ So, the gods have not given up on me yet ne? I ask to be with this man and you bestow it upon me? Why? There must be some type of exchange for such a wish to actually meet reality? So what is the price I pay for this, because I doubt the past alone will be enough…. Well God, if this is your game, then I intend on winning this time, with hearts and wrists in tact._

End Chapter.

* * *

><p>Alrighty folks, this was one of my crappier chapters eh? Well I hope that you guys liked it anyways. I love all the reviews Im getting from you guys and the support is AWESOME =) So keep on reading and reviewing cause it makes me happy.<p>

Happy Reading

~Eri-chan


	8. Chapter 8

HEYYYYYYYYYYYY Peeps~ I love waking up in the morning and checking my email to see a review or two waiting for me it makes me smile, and then cuss because I have to go~ *that means my lazy ass wakes up 10 minutes before I have to leave the house, and then spends 5 trying to get on the slow Ipad~* Buuuuuuut~ its really worth it sometimes ^^ Any ways Im going to be nice and work on this next chapter. Funny thing is my friend is really pissed because when I first started to write the story, I let her read the chapters first. I wrote about 8 or 9 before I re-wrote them and started to post them. She's pissed because she's still on chapter 3. Oh well. Alright lets get roooooooooolling eh? Doing another Izaya P.O.V so yeah~

Chapter 8: _Izaya's _ P.O.V

"It's like you said, you, Izaya Orihara, are the most interesting individual I have ever met in my life. And though you may seem like an arrogant flea who likes to make hell on Earth, I know that's not who you are, and because of what you are and what you do, I am drawn to you in every way possible," he said, placing a tender kiss on my head. He seemed to smile for a moment.

"Izaya?" he asked. I looked at him for a minute before snapping back to reality. I looked down for a moment and then looked back with hazy red orbs.

"Shizuo, if you are committing yourself to me as you say, then I must warn you, I am not what I would call normal, not on my terms. Even at this moment I think that I'm more far out of it than I appear. Not to say that this is a rejection, but I want you to make sure that this is what you want before I can reply to this on the same level. If you are willing to do this, then I must inform you of a few things. Some of these things I may not be able to clue you in on until later, but some must brush the surface," I said, sighing slightly.

"I don't care what it is, honestly if I could put up with you in the past, then I am willing to go through with this now," he said sheepishly.

He seemed to pick his words carefully as he spoke, which was something that made me smirk mentally.

"Hmmm, a fair point, bravo. All right, well I suppose that this is doable. AS much as I would like to start all this now, honestly I really need sleep. There's only so much the great Izaya Orihara can handle in one night," I said, sighing at the end.

The man looked at me for a minute before nodding in agreement, his expression was hard to read, but that didn't come as a surprise.

He got up from the end of the bed and closed the door to his room, now facing me again as he stopped at the foot of the bed.

"Well, you need anything?" I shook my head. "Then get comfortable, you need to get better~" he said rather quietly. I smirked and leaned back, slowly rolling onto my side and snuggling the pillow next to my face. It smelt like him. Cigarette smoke, and… some smell I couldn't identify, but it was purely his own.

"Are you done molesting my pillow?" he laughed.

My eyes shot open as I shot him a playful dirty look, his smile unwavering. The bed sunk down as he climbed in, staring at me. The man's hair was fluffed and messy, but it looked all right for him. His mocha eyes now a light honey color shined even though the room was dimly lit. I traced all his features with my mind, scanning his jaw lines and done to the collarbone. A slight scar peeking from underneath of the half-buttoned shirt, which I knew was my doing. His eyes slowly closed, his features softening as his breathing evened out. This told me that the man had fallen asleep.

Feeling a slight chill grace my skin, I inched closer to him, resting my head on his chest, feeling arms encase me.

_If this is to be a dream, then I never want to wake up. If this is to be a beautiful nightmare, then I only want to live it out. If for once, this could really be my reality, then I pray it will be my life._

With those thoughts in mind, I felt sleep come over me, excepting my consciousness into its dark arms.

**This next part is a dream okay? Reader's discretion is advised~**

_The pavement ground into my skin as I felt this weight on top of me, pushing, pushing. I gripped at the concrete, my nails chipping and scraping painfully against the unmoving solid. I had no control. My vision only a blurry white. The pain, the pain just rumbled through my body, throbbing from every corner. Grunts, panting, everything twitching in my ear, Why wont this stop? I felt some type of sound come from my lips, but I couldn't identify the words. Hissing, clicking, a new sharp pain fading dull emitting from my face. The metallic smell aroused my nostrils, as the sharp scent seemed to drift. Blood. My mind could only process blood. Warmth, wetness, tears, sliding down my face. Crying, muffled sobs, was this me? Why wont this stop._

_ A slight hum came from on top of me as the weight kept digging further into me, this dirty feeling swept over me, nauseousness now taking over. This isn't what I want. Huffing, slapping, screaming roaring in the back of my head, it was driving me insane. _

_ "Won't you be nice Izaya-kun~ I only want you~" the raspy voice came, I could only flinch as the sharp pain came over me again, throbbing through my body._

_ "We all know a miserable little shit like you is meant to be alone, you might as well enjoy it while you have it hmmm~" he cooed into my ear. An evil bite at his words. I shook my head no, never would I want this, not from him, not now, not like this. Scraping tearing, shredding, it was clawing my mind, it was too much. My blood boiled, traces of everything that occurred engraved itself into my skin, trickling down the corners of my mind, bleeding emotion. Torture, hell, fire, all coming full circle, as my vision is crystal clear. An evil smile glaring me down as another strike is applied, cold, darkness… nothingness, as I fade fast before the world I once loved. I hear myself screaming, unable to let go, unable to move on from this past. Nothing, nothing, gone, its all I can remember. I feel cold heartless stings against me, around me, in me, all I can feel is the cold. Tugging me down from the stairs that I climbed for my entire life. Descending into the loneliness that I dwelled in. Never again, I thought, as I continued down, and yet I find myself being pulled in. Whimpers, yelps, pleas fall short. The chills of hell are quite subjective_

Well sorry guys this one was kinda short but I didn't want to ruin what I had going here, so I left it as is. I'm going to be starting something else while writing this it will be 100 drabble poems and storied for DURARARA! As requested by my friend. **I WILL NOT**, and I repeat, **WILL NOT** forget about this story I will just multitask. SO please rnjoy this story and the next one if you choose to read it. Thank you. Please review it makes me happy ^^

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	9. Chapter 9

Okkkkaaaaaay, I really need to move on with the next chapter, sorry Ive been so busy! Cleaning houses, visiting friends, cleaning baby powder up off of the floor because my cats are monsters, oooooh the horror~ ;) but now I have the spare time to nag my neighbor to let me use his computer yay me. SO… enough with the irrelevant crap and on with the umm relevant stuff =3

BTW THANK YOU TO _**luna takamarie **_for giving me the great idea of nightmares, I probably wouldn't have even though about them until you posted that so thanks ^^

Chapter 9: _Shizuo_'s P.O.V

I felt the younger man close the distance between us, without hesitation, I brought my arms around the figure, taking in his scent as he brought his body closer to mine. His hair was soft against my cheek, my eyes were closed, but I could trace his every outline in my head. From the sleek jaw line to the slim curve down to his hips. The thoughts that crossed were that of lust, but it didn't seem to matter anymore.

His breath was even, and his chest was rising and falling. The simplicity of life itself was beautiful in his form. I opened my eyes and saw sly shadows across him. Little light was left to trickle through the blinds, the moon enhanced the glow on his skin. I lost my breath for a moment, taking in this site. A man that I once thrust objects at in hopes of killing, is the same man that I want to protect and show the world to.

_I want to be able to show him what life could be, what he could experience. I want to be able to fix my wrong doings, to help him open up to a broader perspective. The only person that needs to die, is not the man before me, but the one that haunts him. The one that crushed him. Sosuke Hiroshu must die._

With all personal vendettas put aside, my ears twitched to a soft whimper. Peering down, I could only see that pain that was reflected in his features. His cheeks were wet as glittery tears rolled down his face. His brows were furrowed and his lips twitched. Quiet whimpers and sighs escaped from the man, and only made my heart twist.

I picked up my hand, and caught the tears that rolled down, sliding them away from his face. He reacted slightly, moving closer to me. I frowned and tried to think of what to do, if I should wake him or not. Then, he stated to yell and sob. Heart breaking yells of terror came from his throat, he was terrified. Sobs racked his body easily as his breath hitched.

"IZAYA!" I yelled, shaking the man, wanting him to wake up.

He continued to sob heavily, his chest heaving as he cried.

"IZAYA PLEASE WAKE UP!" I yelled again, making sure to be as loud as I could, shaking him by the shoulders.

His eyes snapped open and I sat before him, breathing heavily as he looked at me in awe. He reached up to his face and wiped away the tears, looking at his hand as he withdrew it.

"Izaya, are you okay, what the-" I was cut off by the man thrusting himself at me, his body shking as he let silent tears and sobs take over.

"Izaya its okay, nobody is here to hurt you, no one is going to hurt you, you're okay I promise you," I said, trying not to cry at the moment. His eyes were squeezed shut as he continued to cry and whimper, his hands grasping tightly at the shirt I wore.

I rubbed his back and tried to comfort him, he felt like a child in my arms. His eyes reflected pain and fear as he peered up at me with those somber orbs. I couldn't help but feel crushed.

"Shizuo," he started, his bottom lip quivering a bit as he opened his mouth again, "please, don't leave me, I can't, I can't," he stuttered, "I can't go through with this again, I just can't do it!," he cried, looking at me with panic in his eyes.

"I will never leave you, you understand? Never, you wont go through anything alone Izaya, this I promise you with anything that's worth it in the world," I said, trying to be as sincere as possible, my words shaking as I tried to calm myself down, not wanting to add to the man's misery.

He looked at me for a second, before burying his face in my chest.

"I don't want to be alone anymore Shizuo, I just can't take it, he was right, no one else could love me, but, I just,"

"Now stop it right there. That bastard will never be right about anything. Izaya, that piece of shit obviously doesn't know about anything! Even if the whole world were against you, I'd still be the one to take your hand and stare them down. You are loved, and that's what counts. I love you for the record, so, so far he's wrong about that, and you need to know that Izaya!" I said, taking his hand in mine.

He looked at me, his face blotched from intense crying, his cheeks stained with tears. But at that moment, none of that seemed to matter as the corners of his face curved up. Even if it was a small smile, it was the most beautiful smile to be seen, for even though he was amongst tragedy and pain, he was able to smile though the tears.

I couldn't help but smile at this myself, bringing him towards me in a warm hug, a couple tears now spilling over the rims of my eyes. I felt a light hand come up and brush them away, a smile still on his face as he brought the hand from my face.

"Don't get me all teary eyed again Shizu-chan," he said, a soft laugh following his lighthearted words.

I nodded at him and blinked away any other tears that threatened my eyes.

The moon still hung above, the blinds casting shadows on his face, the outlines still obvious in the dwindled light. The sight was sad in a way, but it was beautiful. A beautiful tragedy it was. The pain seemed to subside in his eyes, they were soft, but still glowed in the night. The auburn danced amongst his pale skin, his features intensified by those eyes. The eyes that threatened to tear me apart, but the eyes I would do anything for to see them flicker with happiness again.

His hand reached out and he placed it softly on my face, gracing my skin. He moved it in a circular motion, as if to caress it.

I took his hand in mine, and held it firmly, but not tightly. I leaned in slowly and brushed my lips against his own, before pulling back. He didn't move, or flinch. He looked at me for a moment and smiled again. The feeling in the room was one of love and serenity. Twisting hand in hand and filling the room. It was soft.

He leaned into me slowly, pushing me down onto the bed, laying his figure on mine. He turned to his side, and faced me, as I leaned onto mine. His arms hooked around my neck and he closed his eyes.

"I love you Shizuo" he sighed.

We sat there in silence, in what felt like eternity. His breath warm against my skin. His eyes opened and closed every once in a while, melting in my own when they fluttered open.

The sun started to rise, golden colors streaking his hair, his pale skin now basked in a heavenly glow. It was the start of a new morning, and the start of our path together.

Hey sorry about the cheesey ending but I didn't really know how else to end it. The funny thing is you know the part where it says, _His hand reached out and he placed it softly on my face, gracing my skin. He moved it in a circular motion, as if to caress it, _well I started laughing so hard because the nest line that popped into my head was, "_and then an evil smile danced on his lips as he withdrew the hand and clawed at my face, his nails digging into my skin and the warm glow of metalic blood reached my sences," _and I was like, Im so fucking cruel X3 but Im used to writing like, horror stories for my friends so yeah…. Any ways please review cause it makes me happy.

Happy Reading

~Eri-chan


	10. Chapter 10

Okay guys im like, so sorry for making you wait so long Ive been so busy with school its not even funny. Ive been tutoring people and making some stuff for classes and have loads of hw to do so I try to make time for you guys I really do but anyways here is the next chapter hope you enjoy~

Chapter 10: Izaya's P.O.V

I felt the sun come over us. The light now filled in the gaps that were once dark and basking me in a warm glow. The man before me seemed lost in thought, his eyes were not focused on any particular spot in the room, and seemed to be drifting in pools of honey.

I didn't want to move from this position, this hold that I was in. Scenes flooded my mind every time I blinked, sending shivers down my spine. The sun could only provide so much warmth, as I felt an overwhelming chill come over me. It bit at my skin and nipped at my eyes, stinging what ever it touched.

With the chills came the familiar throbbing from the back of my head, circling it in a pulsing sting. Everything seemed to be washed over with discomfort and pain. I closed my eyes for a moment, breathing in slowly trying to will away these feelings, trying to imagine a place of comfort, but nothing really seemed to make a difference.

"Izaya, are you alright?" I heard Shizuo say, his voice was barely above a whisper.

I opened my eyes for a moment, the light only working against me at this point. I closed them and looked for words to say to answer him, but everything seemed to be too much. The pressure only intensified and sent me into a nauseating state.

"Pain Shizu-chan," I said. I could hardly choke the words out of my mouth at this point.

I curled into a fetal position, trying to find a way out of this. My senses felt dim and I felt the world slip from me as I fell back into a motionless state. Everything around me was dark. Everything was cold. Shattered glass floated around me, glittering as they fell past, showing me clips and phrases of myself.

Red seemed to stain them as they fell further, resembling that of trickling blood. There was nothing to do. No where to go, nothing to feel. Only bitter chills.

_Why is it that I always fall into these things? A never ending paradox that only allows me to reminisce. My consciousness is taken from me and replaced by this. But what is there to think about ne? Shattered glass. That could be anything. Maybe it means I'm finally falling apart. And these dreams, these dreams are always shifting. Resulting in the same plot, but always a twist at the end. Choice of words to throw me off? Graphic images to bask me in. All from a past that I never want to see again, yet I'm thrust into it as if it were my future. Heh, how funny, a future of being molested and pounded into the concrete, what a rude awakening indeed. _

I continued to think of this for a moment until a piece of glass landed in my hand. A light cut was made evident by the slight sting and the line of red that now appeared. I looked at the glass in my hand, turning it over slowly until I saw thick black letters dancing across it.

BROKEN, ALONE, GONE

_Isn't that interesting. I could have sworn I wrote something similar to that.. oh. I see. So these walls have finally crumbled eh? Haha, that's quite humorous. To think that I spent years buliding them in my mind, supporting them, and now they are finally falling. No longer bound to such a room anymore, so it's just a bitter-sweet oblivion. Hmm, but if there is no room, no walls, no contricting tape, that means there is nothing to support me ne?_

"You know that's wrong Izaya," a raspy voice came. I searched but found nothing, just glittering reflections.

"And why might you say that," I questioned.

"You're a smart guy Izaya, so why must you play dumb? You know that room was only a lie itself. Walls supported by lies, tape supported will, letters inscribed in doubt, none of it was 'support'," he finished.

"And you know this how might I ask?"

"Because I know everything that you know. And let me reiterate here, this idea of 'support,' you know its wrong," he said, words gliding in the air.

"But these walls held my mental stability together, ne? Without them, there would be nothing to keep me from going insane," I said, now questioning what I was saying.

"See, you know that's wrong too. You just want to lock yourself away, protect yourself from anything subjective, you did it out of fear,"

"I fear no such thing of subjection! Who the hell are you anyways?"

My eyes snapped open as I found myself laying on the couch again, a damp feeling on my head. I reached up and peeled off the cool cloth sitting upon it, and then eased up onto my elbows looking around. I glanced down to see that I was drenched in sweat, a slight dizziness playing on me with what felt like a migraine. I looked over to see Shizuo fast asleep on the floor next to me, the t.v humming very quietly across the room.

I looked to the wall and read the time, which was a little past 3:00. I swung my legs over the side of the couch and made my way to the bathroom, relieving my stomach of all contents that were once in it.

I light tap on the door brought my attention to it.

"Hmmmm?" I called, wiping the corner of my mouth, getting on ne knee and using the counter for support as I lifted myself up.

The door opened slowly and the water swished as I flushed.

"Hey, are you alright, I thought I heard you just pu-"

"I'm fine Shizu-chan, don't worry that pretty little bleach blond head of yours," I said, a light smile on my face.

He still frowned, his features only showing genuine concearn.

"But you passed out this morning, I thought I was gunna lose you there. I mean, you were buring hot, sweating like crazy, and just, it wasn't normal Izaya," he said, sighing at his lack of words.

"Please don't worry about that, it's a virus, something people get nearly everyday, and that almost no one dies from anymore. You should know me better Shiz-chan, it takes a lot more to knock an Orihara down~!" I sang to him, now walking across the room and about to exist, a contricting feeling present in my chest.

I felt him grab my arm before I could exit.

"Izaya, please, you don't need to hide anything from me, I only want to help you anyway I can, but you have to be able to let me in," he said, his eyes searching mine.

I looked away, searching for something to say.

"I will be fine Shizuo. And as far as letting you in goes, I think you have a better chance of getting in than I do."

Okay peeps that's it for now. Please review review review! Love you guys~

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	11. Chapter 11

Hmmm disappointed, I am young grasshoppers! I gunna need some more reviews to get me motivated ne? But, out of the kindess of my heart (and the fact that I am bored out of my friggen skull and have run out of Stargate episodes on the DVR, I will write you another chapter. I wanna see that number reach 50 got me? =P Its not that much anyways~ What 4 or 5 more psh, I believe in you guys! Anyways please enjoy this, I'm gunna jump back in time a little to show you guys how worked up our little Shizuo got okay? ALRIGHTY THEN!

Chapter 11: _Shizuo_'s P.O.V

The man curled up, a light bead of sweat graced my cheek as his eyes squeezed shut. I watched him for a moment until all tension built up in his face was relieved, and time seemed to stop for a moment.

"IZAYA!" I called to him, jumping up frantically. His consciousness was taken from him, and replaced by shallow breathing and silence.

His flushed face seemed to contort, unpleasant dreams most likely embedded in his mind.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do, I can't lose him now, not fucking now," I breathed in sharply, my top priority was to take care of the fragile man before me.

I carefully scooped him up into my arms and headed down the hall into the living room, where I sat him on the couch, seeing no change in his current condition. I laid a hand on his head, yelling out in frustration as I pulled it back, for it could be compared to that of a boiling tea kettle.

After taking care of my younger brother for years my parental instinct kicked into action as ran into the kitchen pantry, searching for the small little box that held medications and other items. Finding the small little plastic thermometer, I thrust it into the younger's mouth and looked through the box until I heard the thing beep.

"What the fuck is that even possible?" I said quietly to myself, reading 40.C. I quickly searched through the box again and pulled out a small white bottle that I often used for fevers and colds and read the back.

"Okay, two of these now, two now, two now…" I kept saying to myself as I walked into the kitchen searching for some sort of glass to place a beverage in. Opting out for a mug I filled it with water and walked back into the room where he remained unchanged.

I lifted his head up and tilted it backwards, placing a pill on his tongue and pouring in water, closing his jaw to keep it in. He didn't make any move to swallow it, so I decided to rub the middle of his throat until it shifted underneath my hand, followed by a chill washing over the thin flesh. I repeated the gesture and checked to see that both pills were gone.

I now sighed and got up slowly, placing the items back into the box and placing it off to the side. It was only 7:00 in the morning, and too early to be dealing with death.

I rounded the side of the couch to check on the man's head. It still looked irritated and sore at that. I decided to clean that as well, taking into consideration that it could be stalling the healing time.

I looked at him again as I finished tending to his head, his brows were furrowed together and beads of sweat were taking refuge on his forehead. I decided to walk back out into the kitchen and grab a cloth. I soaked it in cold water and rung it out sum. I placed it onto his head and sat on the coffee table, searching his face for anything, but only found the same pained flushed expression.

_What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck. You've got to be kidding me with this. Isn't it bad enough that he has to deal with a load of other shit on his own but no, now he has to deal with this crap too. Jesus, I thought I was about to lose him. His face.. the way it looked when he smiled last night. Tears and all streaming down his pale skin. He was in a state of pure tragedy and yet he managed to offer a smile. The most beautiful, modest smile I've ever seen.. If I could never see that smile again.._

_**BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**_

I snapped back to reality and pulled out the buzzing piece of plastic from my jacket. I stared at the caller I.D pleased to see my brother's name flashing across it.

"Hello?"

"Hello onii-chan," his monotone voice came through the receiver.

"Hey Kasuka how have you been? Finally have a free moment heh?" I said, trying to sound as calm as possible.

"I'm fine but what's wrong with you? You don't sound happy," he asked.

"Oh, um, I have a friend over, and yeah, he's well, on the bad side of things and, it's just," I stopped for a moment, choking a bit trying not to let my younger brother hear me so upset.

"Onii-chan is this man special to you?" He asked again, the buzz of his voice through the receiver making me pay attention.

"Umm, well yeah, kinda, but it's.. I mean I don't,"

"I understand. But it doesn't matter who you decide to love. If that person makes you happy, no matter what gender, then that should be the person that you should spend your time with. It would not change anything," he said, his voice would seem unfazed to most but I could tell just how sincere and soft it was.

"Thanks Kasuka," I said softly, a light tear rolling down my face.

"Brother, might I ask if this man were Orihara, Izaya?"

"Damn, is it that obvious?" I asked, genuinely surprised.

"No, not at all. It just seems that you two have always shared a strange bond that could be seen as beyond hate," he said, it seemed like he was nodding

"I guess you could say that… well anyways thanks for supporting me Kasuka… It really means a lot," I sighed.

"Always, brother. I have to go, but I will call you later if you are not busy. I hope that all goes well with Orihara-san," he said again.

"Thanks Kasuka, bye,"

I clicked the phone shut and looked at Izaya, there were still beads of sweat rolling down his face, and it worried me, for I wasn't exactly sure what to do. The clock read 8 now as I walked back into the next room grabbing a piece of bread and a bottle of milk from the fridge. I nibbled on it for a moment, attentively watching the ravenette from where I was. I washed down the dry bread with the milk and wiped the build up above my top lip. It was hard to watch Izaya in such a state.

_Every time I close my eyes I can just see his small figure being brutally abused by some scumbag from the street. The way he curled up in a fetal position, the way his eyes squeezed shut… last night, the way his voice rang through the air, piercing it as it elevated. All the same as the way someone screams when they see death. _

_ It reminds me of that one day I lost control when I saw him, they way his eyes seemed to register the object coming towards him, the way it crashed into him. The feeling was sickening, not that of victory, but one of shame. There was nothing to be gained, and as e fell, his fur-trimmed coat came up around him, encasing him in a free fall of darkness before he met the pavement. I thought I would be happy, but it wasn't so._

_ I felt the urge to run towards him, but I ran, just ran. I couldn't figure out why I felt so bad in the first place, I mean I wanted to kill him right? But I could never be so wrong. His breath knocked out of him.. His eyes squeezing shut in the same way, it was all wrong. And yet, I never made a change in behavior, no I was a dumbass, letting anger control everything that I did, and that got me no where. And yet, every day I felt the same guilt eating at me, the same pressure building up. I knew that this wasn't hate, but I didn't do a damn thing._

_ But I know that I can change this. I want to be able to be by his side and be there for something greater than friendship. I want to be able to smile like he did before, and be able to sleep through the night without terror seizing him, I want to see him have a future that doesn't involve the same darkness that has captivated him his entire life. Before, I would have brushed this aside. Before, I would have walked from this, and let nature take its course and let him be guided on his own path of hell._

_ This time, its gunna be different. I'm going to be the person he needs me to be. To be by his side, to light up his shadows, to be the one that never lets him fall again, never again._

Okay guys that's it for this chapter. It took some time but I'm pretty happy with it Hope you guys liked it and coolio for me cause I got an Izaya jacket YAY! *hugs jacket* Yeah, Oh, That whole event that Shizuo was talking about doesn't portray to the anime or manga, well not purposely if so, either way its just a made up scene to add to Shizuo's sob story. Also, that 40. C it's 104. F for you guys who don't want to look it up, so yeah, it's a tad high ^^. And Im not sure if that's what Kasuka would normally call his big brother but oh well, my story. I do want you guys to make it to 50 reviews before I post again okay? Hey, maybe 49 will cut it if I feel up to it, But I need the motivation just like your cat needs a cheeseburger.

SO DO US ALL A FAVOR AND **FEED **THAT CAT AND **SCORE** ME SOME REVIEWS!

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	12. Chapter 12

OKAY I AM SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS! I'm happy and pleased with the reviews that I have been getting so yay. Anyways I have set another standard of hmm 60 reviews. Come on guys! * more and you get another chapter, which will be 13 so yay. Alright lets get started.

Chapter 12:_ Izaya_'s P.O.V

The man's face dropped as I let the words drop from my mouth.

"What do you mean Izaya?" He asked.

"Precisely what I said Shizu-chan. You have a better chance of getting in this demented head of mine than I do," I said, trying to find humor in the situation but fell short.

"How is that even possible I do-"

"Look, if I had all the answers lined up for me right now, I'd give it too you in a pretty box and slap a bow on the top but honestly I don't know a damn thing. Nothing seems to make sense anymore and the more I talk I feel like I'm in some type of drama movie that your brother might be in, but it's the harsh reality Shizuo, I have no idea what to do anymore, and that's what scares me the most. Because for once, I don't have ANY of the answers that I need and-" I choked for a second feeling my throat constrict and tears well up in my eyes, "And for once in my life I feel terrified, Shizuo, completely and pathetically terrified," I said, looking up and holding back tears.

"Izaya-"

"No, just don't there is nothing that-"

He came towards me and shut me up with a kiss.

"Izaya, it's alright. You don't need to have all of the answers, it's alright to be scared. These are the things that make us human Izaya, and it's not like I expect you to know everything inside out and be 100% happy all of the time, no one does," he stopped, "and the answers are something we can find together. They may not be in plain sight but that's alright, we'll get there, I promise," he ended.

I felt tears stream down my face. Everything he said was true, no lie to be hung on any word.

"But, what if we can't? I just want things to be the way they were before, I just, I just want to be… damn it, I don't know how I want to be anymore," I sobbed, I felt like a two year old. I could make no decision on my own and I felt like there was no one there to show me the way.

He reached out a hand and wiped my tears, pulling me closer to him.

"Izaya, you don't need to know these things. They will come to you. Nothing has to be set in stone, that's how the future is," Shizuo said, his voice soft and comforting.

I could say nothing. My voice was gone and I choked on tears.

He took my hand and led me back to the bed room and sat me down, going back to close the door behind him.

"Shizuo?" I questioned, looking at him as he turned from the door.

"Do you want to talk?" he asked.

"What is there to talk about? I told you I don't even-"

"Stop right there," he cut me off, "the point of this is not to figure things out for the future Izaya, but to try and settle things down for now, you obviously have some things that you need to get off your chest before you can do anything else. You need to speak to me," he said, running a hand through his messy blonde locks.

"Heh, I feel like you're my therapist Shizu-chan," I laughed weakly.

"So be it, as long as you talk," he said, taking a seat beside me on the bed. It sunk beneath his weight.

"Well," I thought for a moment, "have you ever had one of those dreams where you're just, I don't know, floating so to speak,"

"Yeah I guess,"

"Well that's how I feel. I'm just floating in a part of life where everything seems to be irrelevant. Time is really nothing, and I just feel everything kind of float around me, but there is no emotion other than the ones that I already have, I guess," I said, scratching my head. I felt kind of silly talking to Shizuo about this.

"Then what do you feel now?"

"Overwhelmed, confused so to speak,"

"Because…?"

"Because nothing makes sense anymore Shizuo! Do you even know what it feels like to have everything that you have been doing in your life feel like complete and utter failures? I don't even know why I do half of the shit that I do. I thought that it was just because I was fucked up but that's not it. No no no. I did it because I need someone to feel the same way as me. Broken and confused. Ever hear the term misery loves company? I'm the misery, society is my company and guess where that got me? Fucked in someone's dark nasty garage and just as torn as I was before It never did a GOD DAMN thing for me Shizuo. And you want to know what the worst part is? The most human compassion I ever received was then and there. Hate was the only human like emotion I had ever received in my entire life and he brought it to me and made me feel it more than anyone other than myself,"

I stopped. I didn't even realize that I was crying.

"Hate you say? There's only one thing that hate can ever bring anyone, and that's just blood and tears, and honestly, there is more for you out there than that," he said looking down, a tear sliding down his own face.

"Shizuo, will this end?" I asked, my voice was low and my hands were shaking in my lap. Tears still continued to fall.

"I think that's up to you. You need to be able to put aside your self loathing Izaya, or you will continue to chip and break until there's nothing left," he said, still looking at his won lap, tears falling down his face.

"It's so funny," I laughed, "I can't even do that," I said softly.

His head snapped up and he looked at me.

"Why?"

"Because Shizuo, I deserve this don't you see? This pain and emotion that is biting at me is long over due. Hell, look at me! I'm sitting here sobbing like a toddler and there are some people out there, because of me, that wont even feel any emotion ever again. Either they're dead or so fucked up that they cant even talk or move. And that is my fault. This is only the start of things Shizuo. Sooner or later I'm going to bite the dust and look back on what I accomplished, and I can smile and laugh to myself when I say 'not a god damn thing," I laughed weakly, tears snaking down my cheeks. I wiped them away.

"That's not even right. That's wrong. There is no reason to hate yourself for anything. The past is the past. Sure there is nothing you can do to change it but that doesn't mean that you cant do something now to make the future the best for yourself right? What happened to you was not something that you deserved and I never want to hear you say that again. Things will change, things will look up. You will accomplish things and you know it. Izaya, there are some things that you don't see about yourself. You can only see the negative, but there is so much that is good about you, why can't you see that," he stopped and choked back tears, " why do you have to make things harder for yourself, that's not the life you deserve damn it!" he said, wiping his eyes and looking at me.

"Izaya, I could care less about the world but it wont be the same without you, so don't try to erase yourself from it, just start again," he said.

I looked at him speechless and flung myself at him, sobbing into his shoulder.

"Damn it Shizuo! I want to start over but, I-I, I just don't know how to! Nothing is there! It's just coming right in my face and I can't even stop it! Everything is coming on me and I just can't take it. I –I I've just had enough of this one track future and I just… I just.." I stopped and continued to let my emotions come out it salty tears, letting my words fall short.

"Shh it's alright Izaya. Shhh calm down it's going to be alright, you can make it. I promise," he said, holding me in warm embrace, a hand rubbing my back.

"Shizuo?" I whimpered.

"Hm?"

"Please, just, make it stop,"

* * *

><p><span>Alright this is the end of this chapter. I had to stop it there cause I was about to start crying with Izaya so yea. UPDATES WILL COME AFTER 60~! So review my little readers!<span>

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	13. Chapter 13

Oi people, I guess I will have to settle for the 54. Oh well. Anyways I am sick so the chapters will probably take a little while to update and I have something to do, on Monday, and I have to go somewhere tomorrow as well because I promised someone that I would, (even though I'd rather be in bed) so lets get this chapter rolling~

Chapter 13: _Shizuo_'s P.O.V

Izaya looked at me with tears flooded in hazy eyes. He looked like hell had condemned him, and there was nothing I could do.

"Please, just make it stop," he said biting back tears, shoving his head back into the crook of my neck. I didn't try to stop the ensemble of tears that stung my eyes.

_The things that you fail to think about always seem to fall short until they are brought back up in ways you can't even imagine. I would have never thought of emotions like these on such a level. To be brought to tears like this, over what would seem so simple, is just, just unexplainable. To even be able to think of strength, to try and pull yourself from the ground, is futile, when all you have are these emotions that you have locked away for so long. And as I hold him, right now, you can feel his pain. With each tear and sob that shakes his body, you can feel the layers of pain and remorse peeling from his soul. Coming out in one large emotion. _

I broke from my thoughts when the room seemed quiet again. I looked down to see that he had fallen asleep. His blotched face looked tired. His cheeks were stained with bitter tears and his hair was tangled in black messy locks.

I picked him up as gently as I could and moved him over to the other side of the bed. I walked into the bathroom and picked up a cloth, wetting it, and brought a brush with me.

Quietly reentering the room, I walked over to the side of the bed where he was sleeping and wiped his face with the cloth, wet strokes glistening in the light until it dried and faded. I ran the brush through his hair, doing my best not to wake him as he slept. His face remained still, not contorting or flushing.

Looking at the clothes he wore, I decided to grab something else for him to sleep in, deciding on a thin shirt that Kasuka had probably left here at some point, and another pair of sweat pants.

Repeating the gentle strokes with the cloth, I did my best to clean him up a little, and redress him, sighing in relief that he had not woken up at all.

I walked back out of the room and sat on the couch grabbing my phone. I was about to flick it open until I heard a quiet knock at the door. I looked up at it, and got up, walking quietly oven and opening it.

"Hello Onii-chan," came the monotone voice from the doorway.

I felt my face light up as I saw him stand there. I moved aside and gestured for him to come in. Taking the hint he walked in and sat down.

"You need more here. Take better care of yourself," he said.

"Eha yeah, not the best place to be, but I work with it," I said, offering a weak smile.

"Is he still here?"

"Um, yeah, asleep actually," I said, running a hand through my hair.

"How are you doing? Both of you?"

"Alright I guess," I said, as he took a seat on the couch, shifting for a moment, "Just have some stuff we need to work through I guess,"

"Makes sense. How are you doing? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm alright," I said dumbly. There were a lot of things that weren't okay, but he was my little brother, and there were some things that I didn't need him to worry about with that said.

"Take time for yourself. You need it too. Its hard on both of you," he said, offering his own way of telling me that he was worried.

He looked at me for a moment, his face remained neutral but if you knew him, then you could see his inner face furrowing his eyebrows and looking at you with genuine concern. That's the Kasuka I know.

"I will," I said quietly, looking down at my feet, fishing my hands through my pockets.

_The only way I can have time for myself, is when I know he's okay, when I can see him smile without the tears, when I can see him laugh with confidence, hell, I wouldn't mind seeing that smug ass smile of his again if it meant he was truly happy, I,_

"Onii-chan," he said, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"I know you want to help. But you have to help yourself too. Hurting isn't good. Wont help anyone," he said.

I looked at him for a moment, seeing the truth in what he said. I opened my mouth, but closed it again, not knowing what to say.

He got up and came over to me, closing me in a small hug.

"Don't push too hard. Take a breath. Stop hurting inside. You'll get there," he said pulling away, stepping towards the door.

He turned around.

"I'll be in town a while. Stop by tomorrow. Maybe while you're at work. Stay with Izaya-san," he said.

"Alright," I said, nodding at him and watching him return the gesture before closing the door quietly behind him.

I made my way back to the couch and placed my head in my hands, sighing deeply and closing my eyes.

_He's perceptive, he really is. But my top priority is to help Izaya. No matter what it may take. This pain that I feel, it could never be compared to his own. He's finally reached a realization, and now everything that once made sense seems to be crashing around him. Everything he knows is just a wispy shadow, and I could never know that kind of pain, not the way he does._

I felt my eyes start to pull down. I tried to fight off the urge to sleep but it knocked me down too easily.

_I found myself looking around the apartment, not one I recognized. I heard noises around me. Flashes and scenes came into my mind. Izaya looked at me with hurt red eyes, blood falling from his wrists. He dropped to his knees and looked at me but never said a word. I went to run towards him and dropped to my knees. I reached out a hand but he faded before I could touch him._

_I turned around looking for him. I got up and looked around frantically. I shifted my view to another corner, only to see him behind me, shaking, and rocking himself back and forth, his head buried on his knees. His arms wrapped around them as he quietly sobbed._

_I went towards him and he looked up at me. Tears replaced with blood, sliding down his pale face. I tried to yell his name, but no sound came forth. He only stared at me, his expression seemed to melt. I tried to come closer, but he faded again. _

_I felt emotions welling up inside me, I was going crazy. I wanted to help him but he kept fading away before I could reach out to him, before I could even touch him. It was making me frustrated. I felt useless. _

_I heard panting and screams coming from somewhere around me I ran towards a gray door and found a man with Izaya on the ground. I hopped a flight of stairs and ran towards them, but then I stopped. Time stood still as the man's face grinned evilly. His eyes were clouded, his face only resembled shadows. He looked at me and smiled. It was a filthy contorted smile. It was evil. He got up and turned his back to me and walked away. Before I could chase after him, he walked into a shadow and disappeared, fading into the darkness. _

_I looked back at Izaya, who had crawled to a corner and hugged himself crying. His body shook, his pale skin was covered with blood and bruises, he looked like an abused puppy. He looked up at me, his red eyes now a color of maroon, and uttered,_

"_Please, save me, make it stop,"_

I snapped awake breathing hard. I looked around me but the apartment was dark, and night seemed to have fallen. The clock flashed 8 and I ran my hands through my hair, trying to shake off the dream.

_What the hell was that?_

Everything seemed quiet, only hearing my own shallow breaths.

That's when I heard whimpering.

I jumped to my feet and ran towards the room where the man was. I tried the door, but found it locked.

"Izaya!" I yelled, trying the knob again, but with no luck.

I decided to wait on no response and ripped the door forward, hearing part of it crash behind me while some remained on the hinges.

Izaya looked up at me from the floor. He had his arms around him and was in the corner of the room.

"Izaya," I started, but he only looked down.

I walked over to him, putting my frustration aside and kneeled beside him.

"Hey, look at me hm?" I said softly.

He looked up for a moment, his eyes filled with sorrow. He looked broken, alone.

"Izaya, what's wrong," I asked, sitting beside him.

He shook his head and wiped he tears on his sleeve, opening his mouth but closing it again.

"Izaya, please, ju-"

"They wont stop coming back Shi-zu-o," he said, choking out the last part of my name.

"Every time I close my eyes, there he is, doing something always something. Never the same but never changing. No emotion, no nothing, just there, hurting, Shizuo, hurting," he said in broken sentences, his hands were being his head, his elbows on his knees.

I pulled him towards me, letting him fall onto me. I began stoking his hair and rubbing his back in small circles.

"It's alright, it's alright. He's not here, he wont hurt you anymore," I said trying to console him.

"But he's always in my head. I see him when I sleep, when I close my eyes, and it just plays over and over again. It's cold Shizu-chan. It's really cold," he said.

I wrapped my arms around him, he was shaking.

"I don't know how to make it stop Shizuo. Even when I dream and he's not there, it's always a never-ending state. Always floating in something that resembles my mind. Every time I dream, there's always something missing, something breaking, and I can't put it back, I can't hold it up any more. It's crashing, breaking, falling. Like me. Crashing, breaking, falling from everything that meant something to me in this world, and I can't stop it," he said, tears gliding down his face. His voice was low and quiet, but it shook as he spoke.

"I'll make it stop Izaya. It will all stop soon, I promise, I'll get you through this, just trust me," I said, trying to believe my own words.

He nodded and continued to hold him.

"I don't want to lose anything else. I don't want to keep losing a part of me. You're the only one that ever made me feel like there was something else in this world, something that was other than what I knew, and I don't want to lose that," he said, voice still shaking.

"I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you. We can make this stop. We can put back the pieces, and build every thing back up. These nightmares will soon be replaced by something more than fear. Every thing will come in to place soon, I promise, I promise," I said.

_Damn it, how am I going to make this stop. How can I make this stop… What if I can't? Damn it! I cant give up on him now, he's only got this to believe in, only me to believe in. He deserves more than night terrors and inescapable fear. He deserves the world, and something to trust. If he can' trust in me, then what else is there to do, where else can he go. I have to have the answers this time. I have to be able to give him the answers that e needs to pick up everything and start over. I'm sick of running, I can't keep running. Not this time damn it… Not this time. _

Wow, I think this is my longest chapter of all! Anywho, I think I will end it here. Hope you guys like it cause it took me forever, and honestly, I cried while writing it *wipes a tear* so I hope it makes you feel something too!

Happy Reading

~Eri-chan


	14. Chapter 14

Hey people… So very sorry for the sluggish updates~ Just really busy and tired and sickish lately so yeah~ I am giving you guys a Christmas gift by updating for you and this one will be a tad bit on the sad side and it will be Izaya-kun all by himself~~~

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><p><span>Chapter 14: Izaya's P.O.V<span>

_With every minute that passes, the mood seems to escalate. I feel numb. The rush of emotion that I have spewn out of every poor, just drains me. This is what makes me human, but its what makes me wish that it weren't so. Suicide doesn't even make a stop in this one-track mind. Why? Well what's the point? Another battle I coward myself out of and then just to go no where. To go back to the 4 square walls that condemned me to my own hell. Maybe you can say I'm selfish, that I thrive off of life, but I know that there is really no point in trying to waste my time to end this battle without achieving one common goal at the end: To believe in something other than truth._

I open my eyes after having something of a deep contemplation with myself. My limbs are absently beside me, my eyes blinking only to push back the excess tears that I refuse to shed. I feel washed up, spent, absolutely friggen pathetic. And now I laugh, oh do I laugh. Choking, spasms, compulsive laughter at the fact that I am completely lost. The bases that I used to have seemed to have crumbled with my entire composure. Who the hell am I now? I'm like a paper wall. I've been crumpled, battered, and completely knocked down. And with this I realize, I can never be the same, for the creases still remain, and I can never forget what has been etched into my own existence ne?

Now I look around, and I realize that I'm alone, a piece of paper on the table side by my head.

Sorry couldn't skip out on work today, be back soon. Please take care of yourself. Shizuo~

I run my hands over the note, reading the lettering once again before placing it back onto the table top. I rest my head in my hands for a moment, bringing my hands through my knotted hair. I decided to at least take a shower, maybe it could do something for me.

As I gather my shirt from the other night and my pair of jeans* to go with it, I walk into the white room and close the door behind me. I lock it, for that sick feeling comes back, the same one that threatens my safety, call It being paranoid if you will, but I haven't the sense left to care.

I turn on the water and slip off my clothes, my body shuddering to the harsh cold its met with. As I put the clothes off to the side, I notice myself in the mirror. My eyes seem to flash something of a dead maroon, my hair dearly needs to be cut in the back, and my face…. I don't know. I trace the think line on the side of my cheek. The memories of its own existence make me cringe at my own touch.

I walk into the shower and let the warm water flow over me. It melts the cold that was layered on my skin and washes it down the drain with the sweat and tears that have accumulated. I grab a sponge, and glide it across my skin, foamy bubbles and suds streaming down and swirling down the drain. I scrub harder and harder, this layer of grime and disgust that eats at my skin seems to sink deeper and deeper each day, but all I want to do is clean it off. The harder I scrub, the more I feel it sinking, and I panic. I keep scrubbing and scrubbing I feel my knees give out below me, bringing me down into the ivory shower.

"Dirt, disgust, filth, bastard, you bastard, you can't even let me wash it away!" I scream hysterically, scrubbing every inch of me.

"You make me relive this sickness every fucking day and you wont even let me have my own skin you sick twisted bastard why does this have to be so hard on me why can't I even have my own skin!" I continue to yell, my voice hoarse. I suddenly stop and realize what I've done as I see a light pink float around me and into the drain.

"Shit," I murmur. I look at the damage that I've done. The skin that I can't even claim has been scraped raw. Blood surfacing and stinging the damaged pores. I wash my hair, wincing with the rough contact of flesh to wound.

I turn up the heat and slide to the edge of the tub, bringing my knees to my chest as I look up to the flowing shower head.

_ I'm letting all of this get to me, but why? Why can't I just brush it off like I've done before, and walk down this path again… why can't I have any of the answers that I need… In a way, I kind of wonder why I'm even here any more. Sure, I want to believe in something other than truth but what the hell is that going to be? Everything has something to follow it up. Hell, if I could escape this God damn truth right now then I would, but that isn't foreseen in this future of mine is it?_

I laugh.

_I guess I can think of it like this. I want to believe in something other than truth. So first, what is truth? A sin, a pleasure, something that breaks your heart, something that consoles you, hell, it's just as subjective isn't it? So why do I want to believe in something other than truth… Truth has only brought me closer to the suckish reality that I burn from my memories every day. In this truth, I perceive emotion, humanity, facts… So in this fiction that isn't truth, what is there to believe? Fate, destiny? If either of those things were worth believing in, then there would be nothing to escape to any more. It's a catch 22…. _

_ "Could it be hope Izaya?" _

_Its that voice!_

_ "What do you mean hope?" I ask mentally, closing my eyes to imagine the scene._

_ "Mm don't play dumb, you know exactly what I mean. Hope is what you need to believe in, it's what you **want **to believe in," he says, chuckling follows suit._

_ "There is no hope to believe in, hell if it were that easy I-"_

_ "Ahh.. but that's where you're wrong. Hope is not something you just need to believe in, it's what you must find," he says._

_ "And how the hell am I supposed to find hope if I break down over the simplicities in life every freakin day hm?" I say scornfully._

_ He chuckles. "It seems like you have a more than willing blonde by your side no? He is going to be the one to help you break you barriers, find your hope, make you believe Izaya. He's the one that will be your savior~" He sings, wispy soft words drifting in my ears._

_ "But how can you know this, I don't even know who the hell you are!" I yell into the darkness._

_ "I'm someone who knows you better than you do," He says, and with that, he's gone._

I snap open my eyes, the bitter chill coming down on to me now.

I boost up the heat once more, with one though left in my head, "If hope is the lock, and Shizuo is the key, then what does that make me? I guess I'm what's on the other side…."

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><p><span>Alright guys that's it. Please review review review, maybe it will make my cold go away faster hm?<span>

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	15. Chapter 15

I am so sorry guys for being so late with these updates it's like wow, serious writer's block ;-; But I am here to make an attempt at a chapter and I am so so so so so sorry if it sucks~

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><p><span>Chapter 15: <span>_Izaya_'s P.O.V

What am I doing to myself? Every time I get lost in this mind of mind, it ends up making me more lost than I was to even begin with. The same questions roll in my mind, and yet they never seem to get any closer to an answer. I try to block all past events out of my mind, but they come back more vivid, and even harder to deal with.

And again, I wonder, what the hell am I doing to myself? Why do I want Shizuo to save me? After everything that I've done, everything that I've said, everything I've put him through, I still expect him to save me. Hell, I'm really just not worth saving anymore huh?

I laugh for a minute, re-gathering my thoughts.

Even if he were to save me from the hell that I've condemned myself to, what do we do from there? We can't just live a fairy tale ending and live happily ever after, that's just not how the world seems to work is it?

From such a point, I go back to shady business, he goes back to working and living, and the world remains on its axis. But, that's just… Not what I want.

Breaking from my pointless thoughts again, I roam the empty apartment, looking for something to occupy my time.

I settle on the couch, flipping through the minimal channels on the T.V set, before shutting off the piece of equipment and tossing the remote aside.

I look at my phone, and read through the countless texts and missed calls all leading back to clients and the Yakuza, which I could give a shit less about anymore. That's when the plastic buzzes again, reading Shizu-chan in flashing text.

[Sorry for leaving so early this morning, hope you got the note, and I will be back around 6ish~. Bringing back food. See you soon.]

I snapped the phone shut and sighed. The damn fool. Why does he care so much, why did I have to drag him into such a thing, why did I let this get so far…

_ Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

The caller I.D reads restricted, but I pick it up any ways.

"Hello?"

"Hmmm I thought I would find you Izaya-san"

My heart stops beating, and my hand shakes.

"E-excuse me?"

"Oh please don't play stupid, it doesn't suit you hm? Now, where have you been hiding for so long? I kind of miss playing with you Izaya. You're just so easy~" he says, a hint of malice in his voice. I can feel him smirking on the other end of the phone.

"Can't say that I miss you. And where have I been hiding? Well if you were bright enough to find the number, I'm sure you can find the address, but either way, if you were smart enough, you would just leave me be, there's really no point in finding me hm?" I say, hiding every bit of fear and hurt that I have in my voice.

"Ah, that hurt me, my toy doesn't care about the man who took his virginity? Well that's cruel Izaya, that's very cruel. Now, we still have business hm? I'm sure you haven't met with Shiki yet, so that means you're wasting my valuable time on making a very important deal. Now, I suggest that you start making some good choices Izaya, or we will meet and play again, and I promise you, I won't be as gentle, and you will NEVER forget me hm?"

"…"

"So mean Izaya-san. Not even an answer. Oh well, good bye my pet, I hope I see some results soon"

"GO TO HELL!"

"(laughing)"

I snap the phone shut and throw it as far away from me as possible. Tears burn my eyes, and I shut them, seeing the images from that night as if it were occurring now. I hug my shoulders and try to stop myself from shaking, to get a hold of myself, but it seems impossible.

Why do I always let him get to me? Why the hell did I pick up the phone.

"WHY AM I SO FUCKING WEAK?" I yell, feeling my sides shake heavily as I take in a shaky breath through a broken sob. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to calm down, try to forget, try to let go. Just trying to move on from this. But I'm stuck.

I shake my head from side to side, my hands over my ears as his voice continues to echo through my head. I can't even hear my own damn thoughts, it's like he's taking me over!

That's when I snap back to reality as I hear knocking at the door. I quickly tense up. I wipe my eyes and grab my flick blade from my pocket and quietly approach the door.

I open it slowly with the blade out in front of me, but I let it fall to my side as a familiar teen appears.

"Hello Izaya-san," he says.

"Eh, Kasuka is it? Anyways your brother isn't home sorry," I say, starting to close the door but he puts his foot there.

"Not here for brother. Here to see you," he says.

I laugh, "I'm sorry, but that's not necessary Kasuka, I can handle myself here," I say modestly.

"You're hurting. Shouldn't be alone when hurting. Hinders healing process. Let me come in," he says, his voice unwavering, his expression unchanging, but I can tell he means well, and at the moment I'm speechless.

"Um, come in," I say, running my hand through my hair, wincing slightly as I run my hand over the sore spot in the back of my head.

He turns around to match my gaze, but says nothing. His eyes seem to ask if I'm okay.

"Eh I'm fine," I say, shooing him off in front of me and closing the door.

"So how much did your brother tell you?" I ask, pulling up a seat at the table that he's situated at.

"Nothing really. Just said you were here. He was helping you out,"

"So, why do you assume I'm 'hurting' then?" I ask.

"You eyes. You look sad. Not normal self," he says in his choppy sentences, which make me laugh internally. Damn perceptive kid.

"Well it seems that reading emotions runs in your family ne?" I laugh, trying to brush off the general shock.

"A lot runs in the family. Reading emotions is one. Caring is another," he says, and I seem to get at what he's saying.

"Well thank you then," I say, now running out of small talk.

"Izaya, why are you hurting," he asks.

I knew that the question would come, but for some reason I never seem to be any more prepared to answer it.

"Well, in short I guess you can say it's because life sucks, and so do half of the people in it," I say casually, not trying to really throw myself into this conversation again.

"But that's normal. Stuff happens every day. Someone made you hurt. Not normal circumstances," he says again, his expression still unchanging but to me, it comes off as harder now, he really wants to know.

"Well, hmm how do I put this? I work in a shady business. People in the Yakuza suck. People outside of the Yakuza suck. A certain person outside the Yakuza wanted to make a deal with my boss, and under the circumstances, I was sent to fish out a little more information. Things didn't really go as planned and let's just say that some things happened that can never be taken back, and for me, it's one of those things I really just never wanted to give up," I said, my voice shaking just a bit more than I would have liked it too. He seemed to understand, and then he nodded to himself.

"You were abused. Used. Sexually?" he asked at the end, seeming to be unsure.

I could only nod. I felt my spirits sink a bit and my emotions start to twist a little more.

"That obvious ne?"

"No, not really. I saw scratches and a gash on the back of your head. You said something you wanted back. Something you can't get back is physical. I assumed virginity. It makes you hurt." He said, and how accurate he was. Damn kid…

"Very perceptive aren't you? Well it's a good quality in a person, heh, I wouldn't know much about that though, I don't have any tch,"I said laughing slightly.

"Stop putting self down. You and brother are alike. Always putting self down. Always hiding emotions. Always hurting on the inside. But never healing," he said shaking his head.

I really wasn't sure what to say. In a way, I could see that it obviously upset the kid in a way.

"Well he does it to protect you. I mean think about it, you're his little brother and despite what he says, you mean the world to him. He doesn't want to burden you with his issues. He doesn't want to give you more to think about when you already have enough to deal with in your own mind. He's always going to put on a smile for you and he'd probably rather go through hell twice over than hurt you in any way possible," I said, appreciating his qualities.

"That's why brother's a fool. Needs to reach out sometimes. You too. Why do you act like brother?"

"Um, well, I guess I really never want the help. I want to be strong enough on my own. I really don't have any one to ask around me anyways, I guess I kind of just made a lot of people as emotionally distant from me as possible, and like your brother, you probably wonder why?" he nods," well I do it because I know how hard it is to lose people, and honestly it sucks. I find it easier to have every one farther away, then too close to lose," I say with a sigh.

"Fool," he says.

"I know, trust me I've heard it enough in my life to last me till I die, and then some," I say laughing.

"Fool because you push. You need to let them in. To let them help. You need to heal. Need to stop hurting all the time. Share burden. It's too much to hold alone," he says again, his fingers interlaced in front of his face, his eyes matched with my own.

I interlace my fingers as well, and rest my chin on top of them.

"Well it's easy to say, but harder to do, and in a way I think I'd rather just hold it on my own. I made my issues so I shouldn't expect anyone else to share it with me. I have done some really shitty stuff, and no one else should have to deal with that," I say, gazing at the table as I speak.

"Not too late to change. Not too late to turn around. Not too late to trust," he says, I lift my gaze to look at him.

"Hm, sure, but a leopard doesn't change his spots over night ne?"

"But you have the time. Don't give up. I know you want to change. So don't stop. Always have our help," he says, and for once it seems like he smiles a bit. Not really a noticeable smile, but just enough to make you not feel so bad.

"Well, thanks I guess," I say.

"No problem. Need to heal. Help each other. Both need it," he says, dropping his hands to the table.

I get up from the table and walk to the counter.

"Want some tea?" I ask, feeling like having some to calm my thoughts. I watch him nod and look through the cabinet until I find a box of tea. Oolong. I smile.

After getting us both tea, take my seat back at the table, glancing at the clock which now reads 4:36.

"So, what have you been up to lately Kasuka? Any exciting roles as of late?" I ask, hoping to switch the topic of the conversation into something more general and easy to go with. Something less emotional.

"In town for a while. Movie for something. Not really concerned about it,"

"I'm sure Shizu-chan is happy to have you in town, and of course you're not concerned, you've done tons of movies and shows," I say, brushing my hair out my eyes.

"I guess. It's never really anything though. If that's the role they want, then I play it,"

"Well you have to have some fun with it ne?"

"Why have fun? Just a job. Silly roles, silly people,"

"That's what makes it fun. You look and feel absolutely ridiculous and find the entire idea, half of the time, to be completely farfetched and un-relatable, but people love you and girls go absolutely crazy *cough* *cough* my sisters, " I say quickly, "but in a way that has to be fun,"

"I guess," he says again.

"Well either way you have to learn to have some fun with your job," I say, swaying my hand in a rotating motion.

He nods. We both sip our tea. I feel instantly relaxed and sink into my chair a little more. I hear my phone buzz again, so I get up and walk towards it. It reads restricted again. I find myself looking at Kasuka with a hint of fear in my eyes, but I laugh and walk into the kitchen with the buzzing piece of plastic.

"I thought I broke this habit," I say, as I drop the phone to the floor and start stomping viciously on it, throwing my head back and laughing manically. Once the phone seems completely obliterated, I sigh.

"And now I'm bored" I say, picking up the flattened and shattered electronic and tossing it into the trash. I pick up the other pieces and toss them as well. Kasuka seems slightly shocked. One eye brow cocked upwards.

"Have to remind Shizu-chan to go phone shopping tomorrow," I laugh.

"Why did you do that Izaya-san?" he asked.

"One, drop the honorific, just call me Izaya, and two, I kind of hated that phone anyways, need to upgrade. And it was much more fun to get rid of it that way than to just toss it out, that would have been boring," I sigh, and hen laugh.

He remains silent. The door clicks open behind us and in walks Shizu-chan with food in a plastic bag and a cigarette in his mouth.

He closes the door with his foot.

"Hey Kasuka, hey Izaya," he says, a smile on his face.

He walk to where we are and places the food on the table, and put out the cigarette after I shoot him a look.

"Sooooo was Shizu-chan good? Did he remember what I liked hm?" I asked playfully, tearing through the bag in search of fatty tuna.

"Yes I remembered," he says as I find the Styrofoam tray and let out a pleased sigh.

"Your brother has done well," I say to Kasuka as I bite into a piece of ootoro.

"It's funny, you and Kasuka like the same sushi," he says laughing as he hands Kasuka a similar tray.

"Because he has good taste," I say with a mouthful of tuna, swallowing it soon after.

"I figured you would be here Kasuka so I got you some too," he says, placing his own tray in front of him of multiple types of sushi.

I push aside my tray and look at the two brothers as they both bite into their own meal.

"How come you stopped eating? Does it taste okay?" Shizuo asks, swallowing his own sushi now.

"It's fine, I just don't have the largest of appetites," I say, which is honestly true, for at the moment I seem to be battling a bit of nausea.

"Well alright," he says, turning to his brother and continuing his conversation.

I can't help but feel myself smile and frown at the same time. In a way, I'm happy for them, that they can connect and talk happily, but I always feel some type of self proclaimed sorrow as I talk, and I pity myself for it.

In way I'm quite happy with the mood. And in the same manner, I wish that I could continue living this dream that reality seems to have contacted, but knowing this game that I've played for so long, I can only wait in silence for another lash from hell itself to put me back in my place.

Because I still can't find much of anything to believe in.

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><p>Wow that was definatley my longest chapter and I have school soon. I sacrificed sleep fr you guys XD be happy. Anyways hope to be updating more frequently and I hope this chapter didn't suck too much.<p>

Happy Reading,

Eri-chan


	16. Chapter 16

Okay guys being nice here and updating since I'm bored and would rather do this than civics hw =P. I'm gunna stick to some Izaya P. for a while (I think) because he's going to have a lot on his mind as of late since he's going to be making a lot of choices and blah blah blah. So, lets get on with it.

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><p><span>Chapter 16: <span>_Izaya_'s P.O.V

Even as the night dragged on, I couldn't help but feel more lonely. So much love to be surrounded by, but I keep pushing it away. Human error of my old ways finding a way to bite me in the ass, but I guess it didn't matter then. Looks are exchanged, small talk is conversed, but none of it feels real. I'm falling back to these masks and I'm sick of them.

If I could just slip them off, shatter them beneath my feet, hear them crush in their resolve, but I just can't. Why? Because I'm afraid of what's going to be on the other side of those damn masks, and as pathetic as it is, it's all to real for me to even fuck with. It's the damn sad truth these days.

The boy of little expression finally makes his way to the door, and my head is spinning like a god damn merry-go-round, and I can't make it stop, but I paint a smile and turn towards the man of honey and gold, whose expression can only be as soft as his eyes. He finally seems at peace for once, and I'm not going to even try to screw it up, I'm done with that for once.

"So, why is there pieces of your phone shattered on the floor?" he says to me now, kicking away some of the shards of plastic.

"Eh, it annoyed me, wanted a new phone for a while now. Maybe we can do that tomorrow and fill your house with food hm?" I say, trying to put aside past words that once emitted from the favored piece of plastic.

He looked at me wearily for a moment, searching my eyes, and I'm sure he knew I was bullshitting him.

"Well, if you need to talk, about anything, I don't mind lending an ear you know," he said, not failing to match my gaze.

But of course, I was the one to break the contact and avert my eyes to my lap.

"Yeah, I know," I muttered dumbly.

I heard footsteps coming towards me, and stopping short of the couch. Something was about to come over me, but I did a shitty thing, jumping back and snapping,

"Don't touch me!"

He immediately backed off. His eyes reflected no anger, no attitude, just a little bit of hurt.

"Shit, sorry, that wasn't really meant the way it sounded," I said quietly. My vision seemed hazy, but I still failed to make contact at this point.

"It's fine, the last thing I want to do is push you," he said warmly. I didn't deserve it.

"You're not pushing anyone but yourself; you don't have to do all this for me, hell you don't even need to keep me alive. I'm the one who's pushing ne? I mean think about it, you didn't ask for me to be here, you didn't ask to help me, I just happened to fall upon you, don't get me wrong, I would rather you than anyone else, but just, don't think you're the one pushing Shizu-chan," I said, the floor seeming to spin beneath my feet.

"Don't think of it like that. If I wanted to kill you, I would have done it by now, and if I wanted to give up on you, I would have done that by now too. But, I want to help you, and I want to do everything I'm doing right now. It's never too late to change in life Izaya, and it's never wrong either," h said, his tone was even, and I envied it,

"I guess I know," I said dumbly, trying to figure out how many fingers I had spread in my lap.

"You sure you're okay? You seem kind of out of it?" he questioned.

Honestly, I thought I was going to pass out, but that's the last thing I needed right now, for either of us.

"I'm fine Shizu-chan, you worry too much. Remember, I'm still working with some type of illness here, but either way, it's just been a long day," I said, giving a fake yawn for good measure.

He followed suit.

"You know, those are contagious," he said, running a hand threw his hair.

"I'm not surprised," I said, carefully getting up from where I was, and making careful steps over to the latter.

He turned around and headed to his bed room, in which I followed, placing my hands on the wall, trying to keep my feet moving in a swift fashion (in other words trying not to land on my ass).

As I stepped through the thresh-hold, I closed the door behind us, leaning on it and organizing my spinning mind. He looked at me, an eyebrow cocked for a moment.

"You sure you're alright?" he asked again, undoing his bow tie.

"Yes, I am," I said.

He un-buttoned the vest.

"Then walk over to me," he said, his hands fumbling with his white shirt.

I looked at him for a moment, and then took a breath, which didn't help as much as I wished it would have.

I made a slow walk over to him, stumbling just a bit over one foot before I got to him.

"Oi Izaya, how do you classify that as alright? You're about to fall over!" he said, a hint of concern in his voice as he casted aside the white button down shirt.

"I'm just tired like I told you, and I'm not going to fall over," I said, swaying in place as I spoke.

(POINT:SHIZUO)

"Yes, and that's why you can't stand still hm?" he said, putting his hands out in front of him in case I really did fall, damn this body,

"Put your hands down, I'm perfectly capable of-" and a sway to the left, "standing" I finished, swaying myself back to the center.

"Bullshit," he said, keeping his hands where they were.

I laughed. I remembered a time where I was a child, walking through the hell hole that was my home. I swayed through the halls but no one seemed to pay any mind, even as I crashed to the floor. They gave their disapproving look; shooting me any look they could to show me that I was a disgrace.

I didn't even realize I was falling until he caught me in his arms.

(POINT:SHIZUO)

"Oi! You seemed to blank there for a minute," he said, his arms still around me.

"Just remembering fond childhood memories Shizu-chan!" I laughed, trying to push myself back onto my feet.

"Which would be?" he said, helping me back up.

"Roaming the halls, swaying like so, and falling right to the floor, no one bothered to catch me, but oh did they love to disapprove Shizu-chan!" I yelled, laughing.

"That's not very funny," he said, frowning a bit.

"Oh but it is, I couldn't even imagine it going any other way, other than me keeping my balance and walking back to my room, where I could avoid the looks and crumble in piece, but it wouldn't really have changed a thing," I said, still managing to laugh as I spoke.

He continued to frown, but he placed me back onto the bed, carefully like an injured bird.

"Well, that's just bullshit," he said.

"No, that's just life," I said coolly under my breath, but he seemed to have caught it.

"Not a life that anyone would have to call their child hood, that's just bullshit," he repeated, sitting on the bed next to me now, only slacks remained on the well defined body.

"Maybe your right, maybe your wrong, either way dwelling over it wont do much to help anyone right now," I said, sliding of my sweats, but leaving on the shirt and boxers.

He got up and retrieved another white T, pulling it over his head and sliding off his slacks. He proceeded to pick up all tossed garments and toss them into a basket near the closet.

I laughed again, still trying to soak in the fact that two sworn enemies were sitting next to each other, half dressed, and not really giving a crap about the entire situation.

Hil-freakin-larious.

He chuckled lightly himself, and fell back onto the bed, making a few springs creak with the load of his body, I crawled to the head board and snuggled next to him, soaking up the warmth from his lean body.

"Hm, going to sleep now?" he asked, repositioning himself so that he was on his side facing me.

I gave a brief nod, moving myself to his chest. He turned off the light and moved back to his original position, taking one last glance at me and providing me with a warm smile, in which I took to heart, mirroring the best one I could muster, and with that he shut his eyes.

I looked at him, how his features softened, how he drew in even breaths and exhaled them in an orderly fashion, the signs of life that I needed to see.

Strands of hair seemed to fall into his eyes, twitching features acknowledging the move. I laughed internally at this. My head was pounding, my heart was racing out my chest, and my limbs felt numb, but I couldn't help but shake all that off and watch him sleep. He was kind of like a silent lullaby, but it didn't put me at rest, but my mind, my feelings, and everything in between, if that really makes any sense.

I kept my hands curled out in front of me, making the distance between us minuscule. My head relatively close to his own, but far enough away to take in every feature. Every shadow that kissed his face only seemed to add to the intensity of his being, but he remained humble, even when awake.

I slithered away, trying as hard as I could to not wake the slumbering man. I made my way through the door, with feather steps that left no sound to travel, and down the hall to the bathroom, where I closed the door behind me.

I took a deep breath and tried to focus on one point in the room, the tiled wall melting and twisting in a jumble of shapes and figures that I couldn't quite understand.

I suddenly felt the need to vomit, but I had the hardest time allowing myself to. Clasping a hand over my mouth, I tried to breathe in and swallow, but it wasn't working. I forced myself onto my knees and allowed all forms of regurgitation to fall to the porcelain bowl.

My thin body jerked forward, allowing more painful heaving to follow suit, ending in dry suffocating ones. I forced myself to calm down, and quiet down.

I wiped the corner of my mouth, and brushed my teeth, making my way out of the room and back to the room where the man was still asleep. I sighed and took my pot next to him, and only then, did he open his eyes.

"Izaya?" he questioned groggily.

"Go back to sleep," I said, placing my head on his chest.

He nodded and put his arms around me, placing me into a warm embrace. I felt myself melt into his toned arms, sighing again as I found a comfortable position.

He seemed to have fallen back asleep, and I began to process the day.

In short, I could say that I'm walking down this road, but instead of it really leading anywhere, it seems unending, so I just keep walking down it, not really knowing what else to do. Until today, I felt alone, but in a sense today, I realized that it's more than shadows and my past that follows me.

And in short I could say that I'm alive today, that I'm breathing today.

But I still have no idea where I am.

I have no answers yet.

I have no new leads.

And most of all, I still have no idea why I live the way I do, just progressing further into a tainted image of reality, and further into a heart that stopped beating long ago.

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><p>God my chapters are really sucking lately and I'm losing my fan-base T.T<p>

To PikachIzaya- dude so sorry for not catching up on your story I will tonight I promise

Please read and review, it makes me happy and less sick.

Happy Reading,

Eri-chan


	17. Chapter 17

Yo people get ready for another chapter~! Those of you who like AnrixMasaomi can check out my other story, Reminiscing In Nightmares if you'd like. Alrighty sorry for the long A/N lets get going.

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><p><span>Chapter 17: <span>_Izaya's_ P.O.V

I wake up, and it's still dark outside. I look at the clock, and it's only 4. Right now, I want to kill whatever beckoned me awake. I look up and see that the man who should have been beside me is not, causing me great anxiousness, as I hop out of the bed and scramble around the room, in search of a light. I flick it on, and the door is open, and with that I grope my way down the hall, seeing a dim light emitting from the living room.

A head turns from the couch as I'm met with tired eyes and messy hair.

"What the hell are you doing?" I hiss, feeling gravity try to pull me to the floor.

"Couldn't sleep, didn't want to wake you," he said, letting a yawn slip between his lips.

"Bull," I say, seeing how tired he is. I know he could drop at any minute. Hell, he knows he could drop at any minute.

He frowns.

"I had a dream," he says now.

I feel my face drop.

"What type of dream?" I question, trying to come closer to him.

"Nothing important," he says, shrugging off the question.

"Important enough for you to neglect sleep. If I trust you enough to open up, you have to trust me enough to open up too. Do you trust me?" I ask, not really sure if he will say yes.

"Yeah I trust you, but the dream really wasn't anything to concern yourself with.

"I talked to your brother today, and he has made me realize how similar we really are. And from my own experience, I know that whatever you are bottling up is just going to tangle and escalate until it drives you completely nuts," I say with a sigh.

"And you see how fucked up I am, so you might wanna open up Shizu-chan," I say with a laugh, making my way, slowly but surely, to the couch where he is presently sitting.

"til it drives you completely nuts," I say with a sigh.

"And you see how fucked up I am, so you might wanna open up Shizu-chan," I say with a laugh, making my way, slowly but surely, to the couch where he is presently sitting.

"You're not fucked up," he mutters, " and the dream really isn't anything," he says, pulling the corners of his mouth into a tight frown.

"You suck at lying," I say, brushing the loose strands of hair out from his eyes.

"That's a bad thing?" he asks.

"It is when you want to try and bullshit me, now come on, let it out, what's it about? I have a feeling it's about me anyways," I say with a bored sigh, running a hand through my hair.

I look at his face, which is now slightly contorted. Emotions running ramped through his tight expressions.

"Hell, what could it have been to make you so upset?" I question, curious as to what the man before me saw in the hazy shades of illusions.

"It's just that, every time I see you in my dreams, you're too far for me to get to, too far for me to save. And I get to watch all of this shit happen to you and I can do nothing but watch it over and over again, and then your eyes look so hurt and confused, asking me something. Just like the first day I saw you weeks ago. Remember? You passed me by in the street and you just stared me down for a minute. Something was in your eyes. You were trying to tell me something, trying to ask me something, what was it Izaya?" he asked, his hands folding nervously in his lap, his eyes looking at the worn floor beneath his feet.

I tried to think back to that day.. It was shortly after something… After what?... The.. incident.. but there was something I was trying to ask him, damn it all what was it?

I closed my eyes and tried to think back, bringing up harsh emotions that I tried to burry six feet under the remains.

"Oh," I whispered.

"What?"

"That day, it was right after the whole… you know… thing. I wasn't really asking you anything I guess. I was trying to tell you something, I wanted you to see what I was trying to tell you, I couldn't bring myself to try and talk to you… I wasn't ready for that yet," I sighed, putting my head between my knees. "That day, I was really screwed up in the head, more than the usual kind, I guess you could say. And out of everything that had happened, I remember waking up on that basement floor cold, alone, hurt, and let down. I never really believed much in God, but lord did I pray to him that night," I gave a shallow laugh, " after all of that, I brought myself to ask Him one thing, and that was for me to be saved," I sighed, letting out a shaky breath.

"You don't have to-"

"Yes I do Shizuo, I need to accept this. I can't run from it. I need to acknowledge those feelings. When I had finally dragged myself across the pavement like the pitiful abused animal that I was, " I paused and tried to regain my composure," All I could remember was crying your name to myself before I passed out. For some reason, I had this fantasy how the strongest man in Ikebukuro would come and save me from the hell I had found myself in, but I woke up alone, and cold. My own shadows left to cast. When I saw you that day, I felt myself trying to tell you that I wanted you to save me, that I needed you to save me," I wiped a salty tear from my eye," and that more than anything, I just wanted you to accept me, and not brush me off anymore. TO give me a second chance instead of just saying 'I hate you', because I wouldn't have been able to take it a second time," I finally finish, drawing out another breath.

"I understand now," I heard him whisper, his voice sullen. I couldn't bring myself to look at the pain I could feel in his eyes.

"Out of the things that I've done in the past, there are only a few I can remember that I regret the most. One of them is ignoring the things around me. When I first met you, I told you, I was scared. You made me feel something that I couldn't recognize. I hated that. But I shouldn't have hated you. I can't hate you. That day, I just brushed it off, I ignored everything again, but now, I wish I could take it back, and I have to come to accept that there are things that I will never be able to change, no matter how much remorse I could feel," he said quietly, "But at the same rate, I also know that I can change what I do now, how I act now, and how I feel now, and I have to say, even though we fought for damn near 7 years, you are definitely the best thing that has happened in my life, and even though we have a lot to work out, I think there is a lot to look forward to in the end," he concluded. I found myself staring at him. His words seemed to have entranced me. The room spun in circles, but a soft glow was left upon his features, and it was something that I couldn't help but smile at.

"That's the most thoughtful thing that anyone has taken the time to say to me, unless death threats count, you wouldn't believe how much effort goes into those things," I laugh but he doesn't seem to find it funny.

"You need to work on your humor," he says, confirming my assumption.

"Eha, sure. You know, I feel like I've been holding on to life. Trying to find something to believe in. Something that wasn't defined by reality. But with all that said, I feel lighter, like I can let go for now, just drift back into the existence that craves my being," I say, feeling myself fall forward, only to be pulled back by strong arms.

"Oi, I think you need to be seen by Shinra Izaya," he says, warmth falling from every sound.

"Not much to hide now," I say quietly.

"Can we tomorrow?"

"Sure, just promise me one thing Shizuo," I say, tracing the outline of his features.

"Yeah?"

"No matter what happens, no matter where I go, can you promise me, that you will be waiting for me?"

"Of course I will," he says softly.

I nod, taking in what he says.

"Why don't we go back to sleep now please?" I ask, feeling my mind slip out of reach.

He nods in agreement and pulls me towards him on the couch, wrapping his arms around me in a loving embrace.

I tug at the throw on the floor, and manage to pull it up on us. I wiggle closure to him, letting my body fill in all the empty space between us.

There was a lot to take in from the night's occurrences. Both of us seemed to go through some type of revelation, and I felt more honest than I had in a very long time. I felt like there was something that finally clicked, something that finally made sense. Something to believe in other than reality… It was more than hope. I had hope, I found hope, we found hope, but there was something else to add to it, and it was on the tip of my tongue…

I could feel my breath even out, and I heard him whisper in my ear, "I love you,". After a moment of taking in the three words that seemed to have scorned me my entire life, I found myself saying, "I love you too."

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><p><span>Alright guys, that's it for this one, I couldn't really pull out a super long one because I'm running on three hours sleep and I would manage to find some way to screw it up in the end, (worse than it is now) but I'm gunna email my mum now since she's at work. So please read, and review because it gives me more inspiration to keep writing.<span>

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	18. Chapter 18

Alright guys, sorry for taking so long. It has been a very busy and emotional week, I mean, I think that I'm drained at this point haha. But lets get the show on the road. Thanks for the support, I really take it to heart, and I will try to give you guys a damn good chapter alright?

Chapter 18: Izaya's P.O.V

I wake up again, still in the embrace of the blonde. I try to close my eyes again, but I feel myself rising out of my sub-conscious state, becoming fully aware again.

I rub my eyes and turn slightly, looking at the man's face. He's still asleep, and I just don't have the heart to wake him up. My head starts its spin cycle again, and gets the rest of my organs moving with it too, and not in the good way.

I glance at the clock, which reads a little after 9. I carefully remove the arms from around my waist, and creep into the bathroom, closing the door and locking it behind me. Only a few seconds after closing the door, I feel myself dropping to the floor and jerking forward into the damned toilet, letting out everything that isn't there. Suffocating dry heave is taking control of my system, but I manage to remain as quiet as humanly possible, willing myself to calm down and breath.

I strain my hearing, and listen for his light snoring, which is still present. I sigh in relief and wipe the corner of my mouth again, and use the sink to hoist myself up. This was becoming a tedious process.

I look in the cabinent and silently curse, as I find myself taking two pills and drinking from the sink. Poision, I hiss to myself, feeling them slide down my throat. An uncomfortable lump present.

I walk back out into the living room, seeing the man on his side with his arms crossed against his chest. He looks rather cross but he's still asleep.

I start to consider my symptoms and figure out what I have. Running through numerous lists in my mind from medical records that I skimmed through in the past. The job has its quirks.

I questioned quite a few possibilities, but in the end, I found myself falling back to the idea of the flu. Haha, fun, I thought.

I heard the man begin to stir and groan. I looked at him as he shook his head and opened his eyes, his features becoming soft.

"Hey," he said, his voice groggy, "how long have you been up?"

"Mmm not that long," I shrugged, crossing my legs as I sat on the coffee table.

"Feeling better?" he questioned, running a hand threw his hair and fluffing it out.

"Well, not really," I sighed, there was no point in lying to him.

"Hm, well we'll go to Shirna's and see how it goes," he yawned, laying back on the couch for a minute before looking back at me.

"How's your head?"

"Spinning like a merry-go-round, it's quite amusing actually," I laughed, spinning my index finger around.

"I fail to undertand you sometimes," he said with a shake of the head. He rose up off of the couch now, and stretched back, popping all the bones in a perfect arch.

"And I thought I was flexable," I said, watching him toss his legs back and landing up right.

"oooh fancy," I laughed, watching him go from his arch to standing upright again. Kind of like a slow motion back flip. I loved it.

"Have to be able to move to throw," he laughed, pulling down his shirt.

"Iza likes~!" I chirped.

"Glad to hear it," he said rolling his neck and tossing out his arms.

I watched him stretch and bend, his hands touching the floor effortlessly without bending his knees. You would figure it would be harder with such long legs. He surprises me so.

"You know, I would love to stretch with you, but I'm almost 100% sure that I would bust my ass. And Orihara's tend to avoid such ungraceful behavior at all costs hm?" I laughed.

He laughed with me, and took my hand, pulling me to my feet.

"Can you handle a walk across the room?" he joked.

"Ass," I laughed, walking with him to his room.

He closed the door and drew the blinds up, letting light filter into the room. Brilliant steaks kissed his hair, gold and vibrant yellows blending in his bleached locks.

"You alright?" he asked, tilting his head to one side.

"As cliché as this may sound, you look really gorgeous," I said, quite surprised as the words fell out of my mouth. But I meant them this time.

His cheeks were dusted with pink as he blushed, "Um thanks," he said, taking off his shirt.

I grabbed a shirt from the dresser, finding something thin and close to my size.

I held the shirt up in question.

"I let Kasuka keep his clothes over here just in case he stays the night," he says. I nod and take off my shirt, dressing quickly to hide the still slightly apparent scratches on my arms.

"I wouldn't suppose he leaves boxers and jeans?" I question, knowing his own clothes are far too big for me.

"Third draw down," he says, putting on his slacks.

I nod and pull them out, a pair of normal black jeans and boxers.

I slip off all under garments and toss them off to the side, feeling a pair of eyes on me.

"Hm, Shizu-chan's a pervert," I joke, wiggling my ass into the boxers.

"I-I-I am not!" he says in broken protest, his cheeks turning red.

"It's cute," I tease.

"What ever," he mutters, sliding on his vest.

I pull on the jeans and see that they are a perfect fit, but I still feel the need for a belt.

"Belt?" I question.

"Closet," he answers, buttoning the vest up.

"I find a small white belt, which I pull out and toss onto the bed, and then pull out the black one.

"Do you want black or white?" I ask, holding them both up now.

"Black," he answers, and I toss it to him.

I slide the belt through the loops and buckle it, straighting out my shirt and jeans now. I think I'm going to wear skinny jeans more often, I think to myself, liking the way they fit on my frame.

"They suit you," he says, fixing his bow tie.

"Thanks," I say, walking to the bed and sitting on it, bouncing again.

"You just like moving don't you?" he asks, laughing at my actions.

"Generally yes don't you?"

"Haha, sure," he says, walking out the room, and I follow suit.

I dig my hands in my pockets and ignore the apparent stares and whispers coming from the small crowd as I keep up with the blonde.

"Shizu-chan, you gotta slow down or I'm going to pass out!" I hiss, swaying a bit in my step.

"Sorry, I forgot," he apologizes sheepishly.

"Does this bother you? Walking with me I mean," I ask quietly.

"No of course not, why would it?"

"I don't know, I thought maybe you would be embarrassed or ashamed," I say.

"Can I show you something?"

"Sure I guess," I say. He stops walking and turns around.

"HEY LISTEN UP," he yells, and people turn around, some shaking slightly.

"THIS MAN RIGHT HERE, IS WITH ME. IF YOU HAVE AS ISSUE, YOU CAN KISS MY ASS CAUSE I COULD GIVE A DAMN LESS AND JUST TO SHOW YOU ANOTHER THING," he stops coming near me.

"Shizu-chan what are you-"

But I'm cut off by his lips coming on to mine. He nips at the bottom and slips his tongue in my mouth, I sigh into the kiss, letting him explore. He pulls away.

"HE'S TAKEN," he adds, taking my hand and walking away.

"Hm, very sexy, taking possession of me like that," I say, adding a whistle at the end.

"It's just to prove to you that I'm not ashamed or embarrassed, and I don't care what they think. I want to be with you as long as you want to be with me," he says.

It's my turn to blush. "Thanks," I say quietly, feeling a smile creep onto my lips, gripping his hand tighter.

"OMI-GOD ITS IZA-IZA AND SHIZUO! AND THEYRE HOLDING HANDS AHHHHHHH!" comes a ridiculous high pitched scream.

"Erika shut up," Walker says to the spazzing fan girl.

"I TOLD YOU GUYS! I TOLD YOU THEY WERE IN LOVE!" she screams again.

Kadota sighs and rolls his eyes, whispering sorry to us as we walk by. Walker looks rather bored.

"Shizu-chan, how much longer is it?"

"Um, like 2o minutes why are you okay?"

"Carry me," I say.

"Seriously?" he questions, stopping to face me.

I nod and feel myself sway a bit.

"I can't really hold out much longer, "Sway to the left, "my head kills and my legs feel like they are going to give out on me," I whine a bit, swaying back to the middle.

"Alright alright," he says, putting his hands out in case I fell. That last sway almost got me.

He comes and bends over, motioning me to jump on my back. I do so, feeling him bounce me up a little bit and grab on my legs. I sling my arms around his neck and interlace my fingers in the front, relaxing into him.

"Damn, it doesn't even feel like you're there," he says, a hint of surprise in his voice.

"Go figure," I laugh, "You are the strongest man in Ikebukuro last time I checked," I teased.

"Still," he mutters, continuing to walk. I place my head on his shoulder and find myself falling asleep.

_Even in this dreamless state, there is something that pulls me from my current emotions. Whether I am happy or not, it seems I am given no expression of inner emotion. I am left in the dark, clips pass by, things that I close out of my blurred illusion. Family members hung from red strings with faces that disapprove none the less. His face passing by like the movies in the train tunnel. Just flipping by frame by frame, but I close over a door , blocking him out for once._

_The only new thing that shocks me, are the doors. I am surrounded by doors. Normal, wooden doors, with crystal knobs. But as I look closer, there are some that have stains on them. Tainted glass reflects fading auburn. There's only one door left now. Just one that seems to have a glow emitting from underneath, and I reach for it, but draw my hand back. I don't think I'm ready to see the other side. Not yet._

_ "Go ahead Izaya, open it," comes the voice again. But this time, I ask no questions, I draw no conclusions, I don't think at all. I put my hand forward and grab the knob and turn._

"Oi Izaya, wake up," I feel a bit of shaking and snap my eyes open.

"Oh," I yawn, "were here,"

I climb off his back and lean against the wall by Shinra's apartment. Shizuo knocks and I can hear the man chirp "Coming~!" through the walls.

"Oh hey Shizuo. What brings ya by?"

"I was wondering if you could take a look at Izaya," he says, scratching his head.

I watch the underground doctors face drop as I lean off the wall and wave.

"Hello Shinra," I say.

"You're alive?" he questions.

"I think so," I say, pinching my arm, "Yup," I conclude.

"Wow, um come in guys?" he says, shaking his head. I laugh mentally.

"So, um, what's wrong?" he says, suddenly going to doctor mode.

"Well, actually, that's a long, tedious, and kind of funny story you know," I say.

"Sorry to seem inconsiderate, but regardless of what happened, this is no time to beat around the bush Izaya," he says, readjusting his glasses.

"Well then, lets say it like this. I got ambushed at a meeting with a client. I was struck in the back of my skull with a metal pipe twice I believe. I was pumped full of drugs and raped, and hmm what else? Mild depression, high fevers, dizziness upon standing and regurgitation, and that about sums it up," say, a few tears running down my face. I hadn't even noticed them.

"Oh God, I'm sorry," the doctor says, "Well, I want to take some blood and do some tests so why don't you follow me," he says, motioning me into another room.

"Can I see?" Shizuo pipes up, watching me walk away.

"I don't want you to-"

"Please?" I ask.

"You really don't mind him being with you?" he questions, not really believing me.

"Actually, yes I do. I wouldn't have even come if he didn't bring it up. Hell, I might have not even been alive if it weren't for him," I say.

"Really? Well alright, if you feel comfortable with it," he says, letting Shizuo pass him as we both walk into the room, letting Shinra close the door behind him.

I let him ask me a multitude of questions, allowing him to take some blood samples, along with my blood pressure, my heart rate, and temperature.

"Wow, you're pretty high up! 43 degrees!" He exclaims, "Have you taken anything for this?" he asks. I shake my head in response.

"I've kinda just been shrugging it off, letting Shizuo help out," I sigh.

He nods and takes the samples out the room, scribbling things down as he goes by.

I watch him move about the room, seldom looking up from what he's doing. For the next couple hours, I sit and talk with Shizuo, watching the doctor go in and out of the room. He works on the computer in the corner when he returns, only to print something out and leave again.

The entire process was rather tedious, but I could feel my anxiety growing. I eventually find myself situated on the blonde's lap, laying on him in the chair, letting him talk me out of whatever negativity that I may have. New correction, this process wasn't tedious, it was fucking scary. And I didn't like that.

The day moves and shifts, I feel myself fall asleep only to wake up a few moments later, analyzing the scene and repeating. Shizuo doesn't move. He continues to stroke my hair, easing me into some type of comfort, whatever he could offer, and I didn't resist. I just wanted answers.

We exchange glances, but Shinra avoids all contact, his nose shoved in paper work, the computer screen glaring off his glasses. He was hunched over and saying things to himself, but I couldn't make out the words. I let myself drift one last time, hoping that the next time I wake up, it won't be to silence and an empty resolve.

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><p><strong>Sorry guys, i have been very busy though. Helping out mom at night, staying late after school hours to work with some teachers, homework, sleeping, I have no time anymore T.T Oh well, I guess weekends and miracle nights will be my update days? And over Feb. Vacation too. Either way, the story will be done soon I promise! Every little bit helps! (If you want, I can make you guys one shots of your choice as well ;) Please dont feel forced to and if you want that one shot, just give me a lil pm, I'm working on one right now for my 60th reviewer~! If you are lucky number 70, you also get one yay (XD) anyways night guys! Thanks for reading and putting up with this crapiness for so long!<strong>

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	19. Chapter 19

**Alright, I have the time to do another chapter, thank god. Aha, but I love the support and I will reply to those of you who have left reviews after this chapter because I want to show you guys that I'm very happy and appreciative of them ^^. So, after a couple hours of research (not just from today aha) I have figured out what our little Orihara is diagnosed with. But, to make it more fun, it will be in Shizuo's point of view, we need to put the blonde in the spot light! So, on with it then and let me shut up.**

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><p>Chapter 19: <em>Shizuo<em>'s P.O.V

I watched the raven haired man go in and out of sleep. I would coax him back into the state in hopes of calming him. Shinra was busy, not even sparing us a glance. In the moments of his random consciousness, we would talk of irrelevant things, trying to ease the tension in the room.

I made a path through his hair, slow and careful, busying my own mind. For once in my life, I as worried as hell about what would come out of the doctors mouth. The man currently sleeping on me meant more to me now then he ever has, and I wouldn't lose him now, not after such a long needed realization.

In the back of my head, I could already figure out that the news the doctor had to offer would most likely not be preferred. Not in the least. Usually, the work was fast and efficient, but today, the hours dragged on and he had yet to say an audible word to either of us.

Celty came into the room, quickly pulling out the device and pushing it in my face.

[_Should I even ask?_]

I shook my head.

[_Well, I'm happy for you_?] came the unsure response.

"Well thanks, but I kind of wish it were on better terms, but I wouldn't have realized with out them.

[_I heard from Shinra already. But, I am proud of you_]

I tilted my head. "Why are you proud?" She quickly wrote out a response.

[_Because you are finally showing emotion. You are taking care of him, even if you didn't want to at first, and look where it got you_]

I nodded my head. "I guess, but I just think that it was long over due. I'm not sure why this whole hate thing occurred between us in the first place. Sure, he has a history, but I could care less about that now. I never really realized how much I needed hi m in my life until I had him here," I sighed, "And now it seems like the world is doing everything in its God damn power to take him away," I said, giving a shaky laugh. The actual idea of losing the man really seemed to put me in a place that I didn't want to be. I didn't want to think about it.

[_He will be fine, especially with you there to show him the way. If anything, you understand him better than any one else, and what you have to say and offer is exactly what he needs to hear. And he will stick around long enough to hear it. I can promise you that_.]

I looked at the flashing screen, and felt the corners on my lips curl up in a soft smile. The headless woman never ceases to make me smile.

"Thanks Celty," I say, shifting the man in my lap, careful to not wake him. He doesn't seem to notice.

The rider nods, or at least her neck moves in a nodding motion, before she walks out of the room. Shinra doesn't even take the time to acknowledge her existence. After registering the thought, the said man jumps up and runs out the room with a handful of papers and a clipboard under him arm.

I raise my eyebrow in question, but fail to say a word to him. He comes back in the room after a few minutes, his eyebrows furrowed and his face scrunched in confusion. He flips a paper on the clipboard, and then returns to the previous page. His face is now devoid of expression.

And I know that he is about to tell me something that I don't want to hear.

"Well," he starts, letting a sigh escape from his lips, "I have done some tests, but I don't think you will like the results. You need to wake him up though," he says, now looking up from the paper work.

I nudge Izaya, shaking him a little until he stirs.

"You gotta wake up,"

"Better have some friggen answers," he mumbles sleepily, rubbing is eyes and looking at the doctor.

"So what cha got?" he asks.

"Well, I want to ask you a question first, but I also want to check the back of your head again," he says, coming over.

"Alright then ask away before I lose my patience," he says, sitting up.

"Well, actually, it's a couple questions. First of all, how long ago did you sustain the injury?" he asks.

"Hm, a week ago, maybe a little over," he says, shifting a little in my lap.

"Alright, and have you had maybe some changes in your state of mind as of late?"

"Ha, if that isn't a question!" he scoffs, "Actually, yes I have," he finishes, laughing slightly still. I can already tell that he's nervous though.

"Now, tell me if you have experienced any of these symptoms as well," he says.

"Okay,"

"Stiffness in your neck?"

"Sometimes,"

"Sensitivity to light?"

"Yeah,"

"Fever, chills, etc?"

"Yes," he says, now getting a little annoyed with the multitude of inquiries.

"One last question, have you experienced any severe headaches?"

"At night sometimes," he says, "Look, can you just tell me what's wrong, our game of 20 questions is up," he says coolly.

"Well, actually, I think that you have acute bacterial meningitis," he said.

"What the hell is that?" he asked, shifting uncomfortably.

"Well, in short, it's kind of an infection, bacterial, that covers the membranes of your spinal cord. You have a very very bad version of this. Honestly, if you hadn't come in today, you would have gotten worse until you died," he said, shifting his glasses again, and I could feel him start to shake a little.

"Um, Shinra, is he okay, right now?" I asked.

"Well, that depends on him. Right now, he could drop at any minute if his system shuts down."

"Shinra, my system isn't going to shut down, but I am pretty sure that I'm going to pass out," the man said, and he did just that.

"Fuck!" I said, catching him before he could hit the ground.

"Well, alright, that's normal," Shinra said, looking concerned, yet unfazed at the same time.

"Well, he took a long walk here, and he's been like this for a couple days, I mean it can't be that bad. He's gunna be fine right? Shinra, TELL ME HE'S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!" I yelled, taking deep breaths to calm myself. Hell, I thought I was going to pass out.

"Look, he's probably just in shock. Right now though, you need to calm down. He will be fine. Like I said, you got him here just in time," the doctor said, walking over to me. I was still breathing hard, squeezing my eyes shut and whispering to myself.

I felt the doctor place a hand on my shoulder, "Shizuo, he will be fine, I promise," he said softly, causing me to look at him. "I promise," he said again.

I nodded and swallowed hard, calming myself down before I had some kind of emotional breakdown. Izaya lay in my arms, even breathing, his face expressionless. I let the doctor direct me to the table. I placed him down and stepped aside, watching the man move quickly about the room, running IVs into his arm and plugging in numerous machines.

I felt a little numb, and the scene was becoming too much for me to handle, so I took a seat in the back of the room, folded my hands in my lap, and cried.

I said it. I cried.

I didn't really know why, I just felt the need to do it. I kept my eyes fixated and cried. Not the loud, suffocating sobs like a child, but silent tears and shivers that ran from my shoulders to my toes. I hated it, but I felt release as I did so. It was really one of those things that you don't even try to understand. You just let it happen, and wait until it's over.

I knew that the time was flying by around me, but I couldn't bring myself to look up at the unfolding scene. I kept my eyes on the floor and let tears roll down when they came around. Seldom did I wipe them away. It was a quiet buzz around me. Scuffs across the floor, beeps from monitors, quiet whispers floating around me.

I let it all pass by. All of it. I didn't even know what to do with myself. Sure, he said he was going to be alright, but there was that part of me that kept saying, _You know that life isn't fair. There's a 1 in 4 chance that he's going to live. And with your luck, he's going to be a part of those who fail to hold onto life. Why? Because life is a bitch._

I shook my head, and ran a hand through my hair. My eyes stung from the lack of sleep, and from the tears that spilled. I lifted my head, and met the white walls of the room. It was dimly lit, and there in the corner, was the sleeping man. He was hooked up to three? Different machines and he sat there in a drugged sleep. His arms flat by his side.

I slowly rose from the chair, popped all the bones that became tired and stiff, and walked out of the room. The doctor was on the other side, sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in one hand, and a pen in the other. He was going through multiple pages, and lifted his head as the floor creaked with the shift in weight.

"Oh hey Shizuo," he said groggily.

"Hn," I muttered, walking over to wear he sat, and took a seat beside him.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like crap," he said, putting down the coffee and tucking the pen behind his ear.

"I feel like crap," I said with a half hearted laugh. It was more of a shallow laugh.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep, it might-"

"No. Just try and explain this whole thing to me, I never paid much attention in biology anyways," I said.

"Well, I guess you can say that it's an infection. Whatever they used on his head, was pretty filthy, and he didn't clean it properly the first time around. Since that happened, he was more prone to infection anyways, and from what he told me before, he was sulking in the rain before you got to him right? That definitely only hindered the process. His mental stability has been more affected as of late to this infection as well. Maybe more mood swings or something. What happened to him before, did not in any way shape or form, help him mentally. That was an issue as well. This is what worries me. He seems to have lost some of his will. I am doing all I can to save him right now. I've administered benzylpenicillin which should help him greatly. But now it's up to him. I've been monitoring him, and he seems okay," he finished.

"Is he sleeping right now?" I asked.

"Actually, I think he's in a coma. I want to give it a couple hours before I confirm it. I felt myself slipping again.

"Stop freaking out, you're going to make yourself sick," he said, placing a hand back on my shoulder.

"Look Shinra, I'm not the emotional type. You know that. But I sure as hell don't understand what to do with them when they do come around. This entire fucking concept is new to me. I've always been a monster. I know that. Monsters don't fall in love. Monsters can't be loved. But here I am, worried about someone that I love, and who loves me back. It's just so, so, fuck," I sighed, shaking my head. "I can't really explain this thing, but I just know that it's probably the best thing that happened. For once, I feel human. I don't want to lose what's left of that. I can't lose what's left of that," I said, watching my hands shake. I folded them in my lap.

"Hey, don't worry about it. You wont lose him. I know that this is hard for you to understand and register, but you have to realize that after a whole bunch of crap comes around, and slaps you in the face, there is only good coming after it. Think about it like the rainbow after the storm. The butterfly after the cocoon. It all works out in the end. For you guys both, it will work out this time," he said, a big goofy grin placed on his face.

"Thanks," I said, feeling a smile creep onto my face.

"There we go. Stay positive; not just for yourself, but for Izaya too. Once he comes out of this thing, he's going to need to see some there, who will be smiling at him. You have to be that guy Shizuo," he said.

I nodded. This entire situation felt so weird. So fucked up. I'm sitting here worrying about my ex-enemy. The man I used to chase around the city in heated battles is the man that I want to wake up to every morning. The man I want to hold at night.

"Can I go see him?" I asked nervously.

"Yeah sure. Talk to him. It really helps. I'll leave you alone so don't worry about it," he said.

I gave him a flustered thank you as I made my way to the room and closed the door, closing it behind me once I entered the room.

I dragged a chair over to the side of his bed and took a seat, taking his hand in mine.

"You know, this makes me feel kinda silly. Just sitting here and talking to you. But I think this is what I need to do. Hey, maybe you can even hear me, which would be kinda cool I guess. Eha. Izaya, the past couple nights have been really crazy, I mean like, insane. But never once did I have a doubt in my mind about what was going on. I never wanted to just turn and run from it. I wanted to sit there, and hold you, and talk to you. I wanted to love you, because I do. You know, things have been really shitty lately, I can tell you that right now. But in a way, I guess you can say that I've started to believe in this whole fate thing because of it. But the main thing I want to say is that we can turn this around," I stopped and took another breath.

"We can take this shitty situation and turn it into something of value, you know, something to live for. Even if the world doesn't want to except this, except us, it wont matter. I'll be there to shove their hate in their face, and throw it half way across the fucking city, hell, the fucking world. I believe in us. I think we can make this happen, but I hope you believe in it too," I said quietly, feeling a bit choked up, but I kept talking.

"Izaya, I want to give you something to be proud of, and I promise you that I will do everything in my power to make sure that this happens. I will be there for you. You are my life now, and though I never really cared much for life before, I sure as hell have a reason to now and you are that reason. I hope you can hear me, I really do, but when you wake up, I will repeat every word for you again, and I promise you that. I will say it 100 times if that's what it takes for you to come back to me, but I will never give up, and you can't either," I said, choking out the last part, a slight sob slipping past my lips.

I laid my head on the his bed, crying into the sheets, still holding onto his hand. This was such a freaking emotional roller-coaster ride. It was all so new, so hard to handle. But he needs me, he needs me to be strong for him. I am a monster, there's no point in denying that. But I'm closer to being human now more than ever. If he can help me change, then I can help him change. My will to live is sitting here right next to me. I hope that he feels the same way.

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><p><strong>Well guys, that's it. I wanted to get back to you guys as soon as possible, so this was my spare time eha. Maybe you will get another one tommorrow too to make up for the bad updates ^^; So, it ended on a sappy emotional level, but hell I don't care, I wanted it to be kinda sappy any ways. I looked up most of the information on that so sorry if I screwed up (because I'm prone to doing so) thanks for reading, and for some, thanks for praying, I really love the support, you guys are forever in my hearts. Night night before I fall asleep on the laptop ;)<strong>

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	20. Chapter 20

**Hey guys I am soooo sooo sooo sorry for not updating I have lost track of time and its just been a pain in the ass these last few weeks with my personal life and school life, I mean you really wouldn't believe it. I'm actually updating this before I go out because my friend said they were running late so I was hoping to get this up and finished before they get here so here goes nothing~!**

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><p>Chapter 20: <em>Shizuo<em>'s P.O.V

I woke up next to the sleeping brunette, my eyes stung from tears that had clawed at them from the night prior, and I fought to keep them in now. I felt my hand snake around blindly until I found Izaya's hand, and I wrapped my hand around it tightly. Not enough to cause pain like I had done in the past, but in a sense to just make sure that he was here, that this wasn't a fucked up dream. And yet, its just a fucked up reality.

I looked out to the window, and it was still a gloomy purple with a break of gold and red just above it, breaking into the dawn. I wish he could see this with me.

Finally, with a good bit of will power, I managed to remove myself from his room and close the door behind me.

"Good morning Shizuo," Shinra said, a small smile on his face.

"Mhm," I muttered, rubbing my eyes and taking a seat next to the man. He was balancing some sheets of paper clasped to a clipboard in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other. I couldn't bring myself to strike up any sort of small talk. I wouldn't have paid attention anyways.

Shinra, however, seemed to think differently.

"You had a rough night last night, you should try and get some more sleep. You've only actually been asleep for a couple hours. You need to heal up some yourself or you will be no help in the end you know," he said. His words were blunt, but obviously right. Regardless of that, my eyes would not close, not in the name of sleep, and my heart wouldn't let that happen either.

I nodded at the man and rested my head on my hands, my elbows slowly digging into my thighs. I could hear the other talking, but I really didn't hear a word he said. Automatic responses came, but I was thinking of my next move.

Sosuke.

I needed to find that bastard.

And kill him.

I lifted my head up and walked towards the door, my legs pumping forward, the anger in only building and my blood pressure rising. That son of a bitch was going to die today. Whether he wanted to, or not.

I went into Izaya's room, and kissed him on the forehead.

"If I'm not here when you wake up, I will be after wards, and that sick bastard wont ever touch you again, I swear that on my life," I said. I took his knife from his coat, and left his room again.

"Shizuo~! What are you—" SLAM.

I left the apartment. I knew exactly where I was going, I knew who was going to help me, either by his own will, or by mine. Shiki.

I raced through the dimly lit streets in search of the man's hide out. I had been there once before, and I hadn't planned on going back any time soon, but this time was different. This time, it was business that I was requesting, and not anyone else.

I finally found myself in front of two men, who sneered at me. I growled.

"Move," I said in a low voice.

"And why the hell should we?"

"Because my name is Shizuo fucking Heiwajima and if you don't move, you will die," I hissed. Their faces dropped and they looked at each other before moving out of the way.

I pushed open the doors to see a smug man in a white suit staring at me.

"Ah, Shizuo-san, it's been a while hasn't it?" he said, waving away the men that sat by him.

"Cut the shit, we need to talk. Does Sosuke Hiroshu ring a bell?"

"Hm, yes. He does. Why does that matter to you?"

"Because he and I have one hell of a score to settle, ya see he played with something that was mine, and I don't like to share, so you're going to help me out here and tell me where the hell he is," I said, holding back a little as I spoke. I wanted to rip that couch out from underneath of him and toss it through the window. He pisses me off.

"Well, you see Shizuo-san, we do not give out information for free in this type of business. So, you have to find some way to pay me hm?" he smirked. I was really losing my cool now.

"How about, I hold myself back from ripping you body apart and flinging it into a fucking tree. Is that suitable for you?" I snapped, my eyes now narrow slits.

"As appealing as that may sound, I do believe you can give me something more that sounds doable hm?"

"What the hell are you getting at?"

"I want your service. See, I'm not a foolish man. I know that you are doing this for the sake of Izaya, so I will play along with this string of emotions now. If you work for me until I say that you can stop, I will give you all the information you need, and I will also provide Izaya with his life. In such a state, he wouldn't be much use to me now, and I'm not really a patient man. But, if I have someone doing some of his work for him while he recovers, I will change my mind about killing him, and let you and him live happily ever after," he said, crossing his legs.

"What the fuck is wrong with you! Why should I stop myself from killing you right now?"

"Because, I have men set up outside of where your friend is staying, ready to take his life when need be. And, how will you ever be able to find Sosuke without my help?" he asked, a sickly sweet mocking tone emitting from his throat. I wanted to rip it out.

"You're bluffing," I said.

He flipped open his phone, and searched through it for a moment, clicking at the keys and snapping it shut. After a moment or two, it ringed, and he told me to come over.

"But I'm not" he said, showing me a picture of the man sleeping on the hospital bed with a message underneath, [now?]

I felt my heart stop.

"Now, if you want him to die, then just refuse my offer, and this man will put a bullet through his skull. Take my offer, and he will be fine, and so will everything else," he said.

"Fine," I said, defeated.

"On your knee, Shizuo-san," he said.

I got onto one knee.

"Swear yourself to me, and the Yakuza,"

I gritted my teeth, and did as I was told. I felt myself sink down to a new low. One in which I never thought I would reach. But damn, was I wrong.

_Izaya'_s P.O.V

_All in all, this sucked. I was asleep, this deep sleep, that I couldn't get out of. It was like being 10 feet under the ocean, where everything above the surface is a blur, and it takes you forever to inch your way back up. I turned around, seeing nothing but a blur of darkness around me._

_"Izaya-kun, I think you're ready this time," the voice came._

"_What the hell do you want now?" I asked, obviously pissed._

_ "I think you are ready to meet me, so turn around," it said._

_ I turned around to meet a figure that was the spitting image of myself. I had no idea what his name was, but he looked at me._

_ "Who the hell are you?" I asked._

_ "I'm pretty much you Izaya-kun, my name is Psyche. Nice to meet you," he said, a smile graced his features._

_ I was slightly confused. His attire was similar to my own, except the colors of white and pink danced vibrantly as he moved. I also saw a neon cord attached to headphones that were set around his neck, laying on his collarbone. His shoes were also white with bright pink at the bottom. Such colors wouldn't suit me as well, but he had pink eyes as well, everything he wore seemed to match very well._

_ "Don't be surprised. I'm just another version of yourself who … how do I put this… Isn't as chaste as you are. I'm the fun tactful one. You're the crazy serious (all business) one," he said, tossing aside a few strands of hair as he spoke._

_ "Well…. What do you want now?" I wasn't really sure how to respond. I was out of answers at this point. Hell, nothing was normal anymore._

_ "Well, you've changed a lot you know? I waited for a very long time to be able to speak to you. It's this entire situation is one that was not wished, but it was needed. It provided you with a window of time in which you would be able to come to your senses Izaya-kun," he sighed._

_ "But, I need to go into more important issues right now. Your lover, Shizuo was it? Has made a very large mistake," he said._

_ I felt my heart stop._

_ "What… What did he do?"_

_ "He just signed up to be with the Yakuza…"_

_ "WHY?" I yelled. What the hell was he thinking? As much as I treasured my job for a while, it was a shit hole, it was an all time low, it was a lifestyle… But why the hell would he do something so stupid? HOW could he do something so stupid. Shizuo…_

_ "For you Izaya-kun," he said, stepping closer to me._

_ "God, he's going to be killed…"_

_ "No. He did that so you wouldn't be killed,"_

_ "What the hell are you talking about?"_

_ "You really don't see it do you?"_

_ I was silent._

_ "Shiki had told him if he didn't work for him, he would kill you. Shizuo cares the world about you fool~! How could you not see that?"_

_ "I saw it damn it!" I snapped. "But he should know better than to do those types of things for me. Damn it!" I yelled out in frustration._

_ "He would never know better. You are both blind when it comes to love. But he knows that he doesn't want to give up his only shot at love, he doesn't want to give up you," _

_ "There are plenty of other people out there, he's a good guy, he would have found someone else. He deserves better than me anyways, he always has,"_

_ "Izaya-kun, stop being stupid. You know that he wouldn't have found anyone else. He would have been devastated, and never would have touched love again. And you, you have wanted to be with him more than anything since the first day you saw him in high school. You denied it. Like a fool. You became obsessed with this whole bull shit feeling of hate. But you weren't angry, you didn't hate him. You hated yourself. Why? Because you were too scared to make him yours. So, you played cat and mouse for years, upset when he denied you, happy for that one moment when you connected flesh. Izaya-kun, you don't want to lose him either," he finally stopped._

_ I stared at him. My heart was pounding. I felt myself going back through my memories, the grins and smiles when he and I connected in our games, the feeling of pride and love when I saw his expression change every time he saw me. The countless hours I spent online looking up every detail of information about him that I could get my hands on. The hurt and disgust I felt every time he spat at me, turned away, spent time with others. I was obsessed. _

_ That night…_

_ That night when I cried out for him. I knew… All these years I knew… And now…_

_ "You're getting it now aren't you?" he asked, taking a seat next to me. _

_ I nodded, feeling tears stream down my face._

_ "So…. So… SO now what?"_

_ "Hm?"_

_ "WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW?" I yelled out in frustration. It wasn't supposed to go this far. His life shouldn't have been put in danger for my own sake._

_ "You need to find him,"_

_ "I'm not even awake,"_

_ "I can change that,"_

_ "THEN DO IT" I cried._

_ "Okay. Remember, love is stronger than law…" his words trailed off._

I woke with a start, peeling off equipment from me and grabbing my coat. My head was pounding, I felt as though I was going to throw up, but that didn't matter now.

"IZAYA WHAT ARE YOU—"

I pushed the doctor aside and ran for the door.

"Izaya! You cant—" SLAM

I ran down the stairs and onto the street. I was hoping I could catch the man somewhere along the way near Shiki's place.

I felt myself stagger, swaying weakly from side to side. My body had taken a tole, but that didn't matter to me at this moment. I needed to find Shizuo.

I needed to end this all.

I found myself running for what seemed like hours, drifting into city streets, flying past traffic, my legs burned, but they continued to pump forward.

"Izaya-san, It's been a while hm? I missed you,"

No.

"Wont you look at me? I wont bite yet~!" he chirped.

This can't be happening.

"I wonder if all the marks are still there,"

FUCK NO THIS CAN'T BE REAL.

"Come now, don't be shy,"

I ran.

"That's not nice," I heard him call, I could hear his footsteps hasten behind my own, but I stopped focusing on the sounds. I ran like hell. As fast as I could manage. I jumped car roofs, I ran through yards, hopped fences, but his voice still drifted in the air.

"Stop running from me Izaya~! I just want to play again,"

I shook my head and kept running. I had no idea where I was going, but everything looked familiar.

His place.

"IZAYA COME TO ME!" He yelled, I could hear his footsteps become heavy on the pavement. He was getting tired. That was good for me. Just a few more blocks, that's all I needed, just a few more blocks.

_Shizuo'_s P.O.V

I listened to the man talk on, and then I left. I had heard all I needed to hear. Once this was all said and done, everyone in the Yakuza that wasn't smart enough to run, was going to die.

I started running to Shinra's place, in hopes of checking up on Izaya. God, I wasn't ready for what I was about to hear.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOT HERE?" I roared, I then through his coffee table across the room and listened to it smash against the wall.

"He just ran out of the apartment,"

I didn't stay for the rest.

I felt myself floating away from everything. What if they killed him anyways? What was I going to do then?

I saw a man running like hell. I had no idea who he was, but he didn't interest me in the slight until he almost crashed into me.

"SLOW THE FUCK DOWN WOULD YOU?" I yelled, running in a different direction.

He looked familiar, but I hadn't the time to waste remembering.

_Izaya_'s P.O.V

I was almost there. I had lost him on a different side street. He ran into someone by the sound of the scuffing on the pavement.

I was almost there. I could smell his scent already. His honey cigarette smell that I had grown so accustomed to.

I finally spotted his apartment sitting on the corner. I race up the street and climbed the stairs, quickly opening the door and slamming it behind me. I was fairly certain he hadn't seen what house I went into. I locked the door, and all the windows. I closed the curtains and the blinds, and, pushed a few objects in front of the door, making sure it would be damn hard to get in. After all that, I walked slowly into the room we had shared, grabbed a shirt of his, and smelled his scent. I slid down the wall and sobbed.

About everything.

About life. About this situation. About love. About Shizuo.

I felt myself melt into the wall and I cried, staining his shirt with my tears. I snaked my hand into my coat, grabbing the new phone that we had gotten. His number wasn't even entered, but I knew it by heart.

[Shizu-chan, at your apartment. He was there, He chased me here. Don't know how long I will have.]

Send.

I waited for a moment and heard it buzz.

[Be there as soon as possible, it all ends today. Promise]

[Shizuo]

[?]

[Please, save me]

* * *

><p>Well, thats it for this one. Hope it was worth the wait. I feel this one will have maybe 3 more chapters at the most, and then it will be done, unless the fans want to add some plot bunnies. Funny, bad thing, is, at the part where I typed "COME TO ME" I laughed my ass off. It was just all caps and it was... very amusing =P I know, I suck xD<p>

Anyways, read and review~! It makes me happy.

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	21. Chapter 21

Hey guys I am officially an asshole~! Yes. I am. I have not even looked at fanfiction in a while, and I have been pushing aside the importance of updating. I can't even believe I still have a fan base after depriving all of you for so long, the horror the horror~! But, now that is all over. ALL OF IT~! Yes. I now give you chapter 21, of Subjective Chills. Please turn off the lights, and hold the device closely, for you wont want to miss a thing…

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><p>Chapter 21: <em>Shizuo<em>'s P.O.V

[Save me]

I felt my eyes water. The last time he asked me to save him… I wasn't there… It wont happen this time. I wont let it happen this time. I slipped the phone back into my pocket and began running towards the place I once lived in alone. The one I now shared. The one where someone was finally waiting for me.

I felt as though everything around me had stopped moving, like time was no longer a factor, that it ceased to exist. I ran as fast as my legs would let me.

Streets blended into each other with each step that I took. I finally met the street. I halted and looked. There was a man stalking up and down it.

_No way that's him? I ran into him earlier. That bastard was chasing Izaya. That's why he was running. How could I have been so stupid?_

"HEY YOU!" I shouted, running towards the man. He turned, an annoyed expression on his face. I stopped only inches from him.

"Who the hell are you?" He asked.

I laughed. God did I laugh. He wasn't amused.

"I, Sosuke, am your worst nightmare. I am Shizuo Heiwajima, and I am the one who is going to kill you today," I said, now close enough to feel his breath on my face. He smirked.

"That's very cute. But I have no time for you," he said, turning his back to me.

"You stupid, arrogant SON OF A BITCH" I roared, ripping him backwards by his collar and slamming him onto the pavement.

"I figured you would have been smarter than that," I hissed, watching him move weakly on the ground, blood dripping from the side of his face. I stepped on his arm, keeping him in place.

"But, you're nothing but a punk," I hissed, crushing the bones beneath my foot, hearing him wince in pain.

"Get up," I spat.

He didn't move.

"I said get the fuck up," I said quietly.

He looked at me with a look of hate, but he slowly climbed to his feet. Then he did something I didn't see coming. He pulled out a gun.

He swung his bad arm wearily and began to laugh.

"As strong as you are, no man is invincible against a bullet," he said. His laughter got louder, he swayed left to right, and held the gun up. He then clicked it. He was about to shoot. But I wasn't worried. That's when I heard a voice, he screamed, I knew the voice.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Izaya come and launch himself onto Sosuke as he fired. I felt a slight sting, but I couldn't care. There he was, on top of Sosuke.

"You bastard you ruined my life but I'm done with your shit," he hissed, punching him square in the nose. He shook it slightly, as the man below him only laughed.

"What can you do? Even if I die today, I will always haunt your memories. I will always be the one who took your pride from you. You can never forget me Izaya," he said, his face twisting into an ugly smile.

"Even if that is true," he said quietly, "I will always be higher than you," he said, "I will always have something you wont," his words were barely audible, and it was almost scary for me.

"And what the hell is that?"

"Something more important than reality," he said with the same tone. Almost as fast as the words left his mouth, he wrapped his hands around a blade, plunged it into the man's heart, twisted it and ripped it out.

He slowly got up, dropping the blade to the ground and turned towards me.

"It's over," he whispered. He nodded at me and without another word, he dropped backwards.

"IZAYA" I yelled, running to him, catching him in my arms.

"it's over, I promise. He's gone. He's gone. Everything will be fine now, I swear," I whispered, dropping to my knees with him in my arms.

"I know," he said weakly. He looked at me and smiled.

"Promise me one more thing?" He said.

"Anything,"

"The next time I open my eyes, please be there," he whispered, closing them slowly.

I felt tears stream down my face.

"I promise" I whispered.

* * *

><p>(Time change~!)<p>

Izaya sat in the familiar bed again, Shinra was talking to me while dressing my wounds. Apparently he landed a bullet in my arm. Oh well.

"How could you be so stupid? Both of you? You could have been killed," he said, worriedly again.

"If you open your mouth about this one more time, I think I'm going to have to punch you Shinra," I said, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Sorry, but you guys worry me.." He said, now finishing up.

"Well it's over. Now I have one more thing I need to do," I said.

"What the hell are you talking about,"

"I'll be back soon," I said.

"Wait you can't just—" SLAM.

I now needed to get myself out of this mess with the Yakuza.

I stalked the streets, darkness falling over the city. People now started to return to their homes, for Ikebukuro was notorious for the worst occurrences after hours.

I walked down an alley until I saw his place. The same guards were there, but this time, there were no words. I knocked both out without effort.

"Ah, Shiz-"

"Can it," I said.

"Hm, that was quite rude. I don't quite like-"

"I don't give a shit about what you like and don't like," I growled.

"Well, we'll just have to fix that wont we?" His expression was a reflection of annoyance.

His guards stepped towards me. I grabbed them both and slammed them into each other, letting them fall out of my hands.

"I don't care for your actions towards my men Shizuo," he snapped, now standing.

More men poured into the room, and I took them all one. I moved towards one and hooked him right in the jaw. Another lunged and I kicked him away from me, knocking over a few others. They all then charged at me. I threw one into a few, kicked to my left, punched in front of me, threw off the man who jumped on my back, slammed one onto the floor, and continued to spiral and retaliate. Most of the men were down for the count, while others still proceeded. A head-butt was distributed to the lucky one in front this time, while the last man was thrown out the window. The last man looked at me and then followed the other out the window.

I smirked, and looked towards Shiki. He took his position on the couch.

"You're a strong man, but a foolish one," he said. He pulled out a gun.

"Oh for fuck's sake," I sighed. "What is it with you people and guns?"

"They are my weapon of choice," he said.

"And?"

"And they do quite a job," he said, firing it.

I bit the bullet and spit it onto the floor.

"They're a cop out," I said, walking towards the man, who sat in awe.

I snatched the gun from him, bitch slapped him with it, and bent it in half.

Blood trickled from his brow. His face contorted into pure rage.

"You will rue the day you decided to mess with the Yakuza," he hissed.

"Mhm, sure," I said, lifting him from the couch.

"What the hell are you doing?" he questioned through stalled breath.

"Well, I'll spare you the tearing, but I am going to fling you into that tree. You piss me off," I said calmly, stalking towards the window, and swinging him in a steady motion.

"One.."

"Wait.."

"Nope. Two,,"

"I'll let you go," he said in defeat.

"Are you really?"

"Yes. I swear."

"And Izaya?"

"DO as you please!" He spat.

"Great," I smiled, flinging him through the window into the tree.

"I never said I would stop," I laughed.

"You'll pay for that," one man said, slowly getting up.

"Oh? What's your name?"

"Hideo," he said.

"Guess you never lived up to your name," I shrugged.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you are a piece of shit," I sneered and kicked him in the face.

I was a mean bastard. I already knew that. But people just piss me off.

The only thing on my mind now, was to go see Izaya.

* * *

><p>Okay guys. Sorry this was kind of fast and probably corny, but I'm a tad but rusty remember. The next chapter will come much faster, I promise. I will also be updating my other story, "Reminiscing In Nightmares" ASAP and also I have another project coming up, so please be looking for " Closer To Something Real" coming really soon~!<p>

Please review, it makes me happy ^^

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	22. Chapter 22

I'm in such a great mood, that I am now typing up the FINAL chapter of Subjective Chills. This has been the ride of my writing life, changing my styles and life while I was writing it, I'm glad that I got to write for you all, and that's pretty much it. There might be a sequel… But that will have to be thought of at a later date mhm. I think I've been writing this story for almost 7 months (holy hell) so that's just wow to me. Any ways, let me shut my mouth, wipe my tears, and write chapter 22. *Gasp*

* * *

><p>Chapter 22: <em>Izaya<em>'s P.O.V

_The entire world went black once again. I felt myself being carried off yet again, but I wasn't scared this time. I felt like the war was over. Like the world could finally start spinning again. But, I knew that my life would never be the same. Never. For once, that was actually okay with me. I could give a flying fuck less about the Yakuza, about ruining lives, about the entire scheme of life. Hell, as long as I finally got to be with him, nothing else mattered any more. I could feel the burning desire to open my eyes, but something told me that it wasn't the time to do so yet, so I would wait. That's all I could do this time, but that was okay._

_ "I'm proud of you Izaya, you did it," the voice came again._

_ "Yeah, yeah, yeah," I waved him off, though a smirk crept onto my face._

_ "I can feel the pride radiating from your soul Izaya," he said, his face not far from my own now._

_ "Shut up," I said._

_ "Well, you're still a sour old bastard, but we can work on that," he grinned._

_ "Old? I happen to be only 21,"_

_ "23," he corrected me._

_ "You don't know what you're talking about," I huffed._

_ "Mhm," he laughed,_

_ "Well, why are you still hounding me any ways?"_

_ "Kind of like a follow up I guess. Would you rather sit here in the dark and talk to yourself?"_

_ "Isn't that technically what I'm doing?"_

_ "Well, I guess, but you seem less crazy this way,"_

_ "To who?" I laughed._

_ "That's the spirit. You know, you wasted a lot of time with this hate,"_

_ "I think we already discussed this," I frowned._

_ "We did, we did, but you must feel differently about it now hm?"_

_ "Well of course I do~! There's no time to waste now, it's all out there, there's nothing to hide from the city since he told the entire god damn city, stupid large trap," I muttered. "My entire reputation is ruined now," I said._

_ "It already was,"_

_ "How?"_

_ "Like I said, you were, and still are, a sour bastard, and sick at that. You ruined your reputation all by yourself. But, you can always rebuild it, and this time, you have some one else to help you find all the pieces," he smiled. God damn him, he makes me feel like a school girl._

_ "Hush, just keep your mouth closed," I said, a blush rising to my cheeks._

_ "I don't even think I'm ready for this though," I suddenly said._

_ "Hm?"_

_ "I've grown so accustomed to being alone, to doing things myself, to reeking havoc, to just completely different things. I feel like I'm going to ruin it all again.."_

_ "Impossible," he said._

_ "What?"_

_ "It's impossible. He's just as driven to make this work as you are, and it only took you idiots about 8 years to finally figure it all out. In the end, it all works. Boom,"_

_ "You can't be entirely sure,"_

_ "You're the only one doubting it. Learn to trust fate, it will bring you a long way,"_

_ "Fate?"_

_ "No, trust,"_

_ I sat there and thought for a while. His pink neon colors spiraled around me, whirling and swirling, while I sat there lost in my own thoughts. If we make this work, what am I going to do now? I can't go back to the Yakuza, after what Shizuo did, and I have no idea where the hell else I'm going to do anything… I could go back to working underground, but there probably wont be a soul to take me now.. Why the hell am I worrying about this now? For all I know, I might not even wake up, oh what the hell, I'll just let what even come, come. That's it._

_ "Izaya-kun, it's time for me to go,"_

_ "You've got to be kidding me right?"_

_ "Nope, it's time for me to go, and it's time for you to wake up, there are people waiting for you on the other side,"_

_ "Is he there?"_

_ "You'll see when you get there,"_

_ "But—"_

_ "Good bye Izaya-kun"_

I woke with a start, my vision blurred, my limbs sore. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. At first, I felt my heart sink, for the golden eyes I had been hoping to see weren't there. I craned my neck to see a figure slumped in a chair in the corner. His face peaceful, arms crossed over his chest. He was sleeping there, but I wasn't going to wake him. I slowly shimmied out of the bed and made my way over to where he was, curling up by his feet. He seemed to be asleep still, so I stayed there. This time, I planned on being the first thing he saw when he woke up.

Shinra came in for a moment, and open his mouth to say something, but before he could, I shot him a glare and mouthed, "You say a word, and I will slit your throat," after watching my mouth carefully, he backed up out of the room and closed the door. I settled back into my original position on the floor and waited.

His hair was messy, the blonde locks tangled into each other. He wore only a white button down and slacks, apparently having removed the vest beforehand. His pure scent engulfed my senses. The sickly sweet mixture of cigarettes and honey. I wasn't one for sweets, but I couldn't resist, it was completely intoxicating, and all I needed to be driven crazy.

I looked out the window, the sky set in a glorious flame, spirals of red and yellow breaking out into the spurts of violet and blue that were tangled in the sky. I really didn't want to wake him, but I wish he could see this with me.

I stared at the four walls if the room, mesmerized by the steady breathing pattern, the low beat of his heart. I felt a blush spread across my cheeks. The great Izaya Orihara has been broken down, torn apart, and stripped of his pride in less than 2 weeks, and yet, within a few days, I feel like I found something new to live for, and I think the reason is right next to me.

_Shizuo_'s P.O.V

_I felt sleep tug at my eyes. For once, all the pieces seemed to fall into place. I promised him I would be there when he woke up, I just hope that I will be awake before he is. It's only been what? A week? Whatever, either way, I feel like I just re-did half of my life. Dug everything up that I thought I had locked away so long ago, and pieced everything back together again, making sense of these emotions that I couldn't control, and finding something else to believe in other than hate, other than this fucked up two faced reality. It was something that I actually wanted to do this time. I can steer. I haven't been able to say that in a while, that I actually had control. Who knew that flea was actually everything I needed. Everything I wanted… In the end, I can't remember why I had ever been so scared to claim him as my own, maybe things could have been different by now… I guess this time I'll live in the moment and never let it go. I don't think I can survive without this anymore._

I felt my eyes open, and I looked around, slightly panicked to see the empty bed.

"Morning Shizu-chan~!" Izaya chirped.

I smiled.

"How long have you been waiting there?"

"Hm…. About half an hour," he said, now getting up to stretch.

"Feeling any better?"

"Yeah, actually," he said.

I get up to stretch myself.

"You have to teach me how to stretch like that Shizu-chan," he said, watching all of my movements.

"Sure, come here," I say, a smirk on my face.

"You sure about this?"

"Why not?"

He walks over to me, and I take his hand.

"Okay, well, I guess I'll do the easiest for me. Keep your feet together okay?"

He nods.

"Now bend back to reach the floor like an arch," I say.

"I'm going to fall if I do that,"

"No you wont, I'll be right here,"

"Alright," he says, still unsure.

I watch him gracefully lean back and plant his hands on the floor, his head leaned back. I could tell that he was naturally flexible. Then again, he's the master of parkour, he probably does this all the time.

"Okay, now move into a standing upright position, by bringing your feet-" He cuts me off by doing exactly what I was going to tell him to do and leaning into my arms.

"Like that?" He says with a smile on his face.

"Perfect," I say, lost in his perfect red eyes. He blinks, his eyelashes ghosting over them for only a second, before revealing them again, glittering and glazed over. He leaves me speechless. I feel his face closer to mine, until we finally connect, a perfect kiss. Everything felt right. No regret, no insecurity. We have made it past that phase. It was pure love.

We retracted after a moment, breathing slowly for a moment, before returning for one more. The worst was over, the problems were finally dissipating, we could finally take time to work on us, what we wanted to be, and the thought of that scared me and excited me. But for this moment, I was going to enjoy everything that I could.

_Izaya_'s P.O.V

His lips connected with mine and I felt passion and heat swirling around in me. Once again, I felt like a silly school girl, trying to work past all her emotions, and live in the moment. That's all I wanted to do, was live in the moment. I'm so tired of not knowing what to do anymore, about planning every moment. This time, I was just going to feel the heat from his body, the way he smells, and the way he looks at me. This is all that I ever wanted. Why would I let that go now?

We smiled at each other and finally let go, disappointed when we did, but replacing that emptiness with the firm grip of his hand on my own. Shinra smiled as we came out.

"Izaya-kun, good to see you in such good health," he said.

"Shizuo, you look a little flushed, did you catch something while you were out?"

I laughed mentally. Poor Shizzy..

"Um, N-no," he said awkwardly, scratching the back of his head.

"Well, I'll let you both go for now, but if either one of you start feeling funny, please do come back, and Izaya-kun, be careful, your still sick," he said.

"Oh stop being such a worry-wart Shinra, I think I can handle myself thank you very much," I smirked.

"Well, I just wanted to—" SLAM.

I laughed and practically dragged Shizuo down the stairs behind me.

"Let's go somewhere Shizu-chan~! I feel like celebrating," I sang.

He smiled and nodded. "Where ever you want to go," he said.

"Shizu-chan, have you ever had a home cooked meal?"

"Not in a long time actually why?"

"Now that has to change, come, we're going to my place," I said, now running.

"Wait, Izaya let me catch up!" He yelled, laughing behind me.

"Oh come now Shizu-chan, I know you can run faster than that," I mocked.

"Watch this," he said, charging towards me now.

"Shizuo what are you—"

But I was cut off by him coming behind me and literally sweeping me off of my feet.

"Oi Shizuo,"

"What?"

"Nothing, I didn't see that coming," I said, slightly flustered.

"Good to know I can still surprise you," he laughed.

"You were always unpredictable Shizu-chan," I chuckled.

"Never seemed like it,"

"Do you even know where you're going?"

"Sort of, I've chased you pretty far into Shinjuku before,"

"Well, if we get lost, I'll point out the way. Actually, the funny thing is, ever since that day I haven't really been home. Wonder if that no good secretary of mine actually did any work,"

"Eh, we'll figure it out,"

"Turn my back and she thinks it's a damn vacation,"

"You don't know that,"

"Sorry, but she is a heartless bitch, and kind of creepy and incestuous too," I said, shaking my head.

"Oi, not something I needed to know,"

"Eh, too much information, no where for it to go but out into the real world,"

"I think we're almost there,"

"Just about actually. You must learn how to walk more slowly, or not run. Makes the moment last longer," I chastised.

"Yeah yeah yeah,"

"Oh cocky are we?"

"Maybe,"

"Shame on you Shizu-chan~!"

"Oh well, as much as I love a good lecture, we are here,"

"Sly, smart, damn I love you," I say, jumping from his arms.

I walk into the building that I recognize as my own, slowly opening the door. I find a note stuck to the monitor reading "Did work that came in you lazy bastard,"

I laughed.

"Apparently she did work," Shizuo points out.

"Yes, I can see that. It's today's date, so either she was here late, or she lied. Either way, I could give a hell less," I take the note and tear it a few times, dropping it into the waste bin.

"Alright, have you ever had unagi?"

"Um, not that I can remember,"

"Unagi-no-kabayaki it is~!"

"Which is?"

"Well, you'll see," I say.

"If you want to be helpful, you can start by making some rice,"

"Alright,"

I almost feel bad asking him to help, but then again, I feel like it would be fun to cook together. Feels like something a real couple would do. I feel my cheeks burn already.

I grab the packaged eels out of the fridge and begin to prepare them; Splitting them down the back and fishing out any of the little bones that I can see. (A/N: Damn things annoy me to no points end when I make this shit -_-)

I begin to cut them down, checking on Shizuo's progress as well.

I set the eel aside and scavenge around for the soya sauce, white wine, and sake.

"Hey Shizu-chan, you might like this it has sugar," I joke, pulling it aside as well.

"Why do you need all of those?"

"To baste it with I guess. I just learned to make it this way. Here, why don't you mix these together while I cut down the rest of the eel?"

"Sure, is this right?"

"Yeah it's fine," I smile.

We continue to work on the dinner, boiling and grilling, fanning and laughing. For once, I feel happy to be in my own house. For once it actually feels like a home. I have someone here to share it with. Someone to actually make these meals count with. For once, I actually like this place.

We finally finish, putting it over the rice and pouring the rest of the sauce mixture on top.

"Smells good,"

"Well, if it's lethal, at least we both die," I joke.

"Your humor still sucks," he adds, picking up a mouthful of eel and rice and stuffing it in his mouth.

"Wow,"

"I take it that means you like it?"

"Very much,"

I take a bite of it myself and am pleasantly surprised. It tastes better than I have ever had it before.

"You seem to be enjoying it too," he laughs. I notice that I was scarfing mine down.

"It's never tasted this good Shizu-chan,"

"I thought you said you made it all the time before?"

"Well even so, it was always missing something,"

"I used everything you told me to use,"

"That's what's different Shizu-chan, it's you. You're why it came out different. It's because it means something this time," I felt myself grinning from ear to ear. I felt so stupid. I really did. But he would never know that in the end.

"Shizu-chan, I've lived only for a long time and that banshee doesn't count. This house is so big and lonely, and I've gotten so used to being with you and all, I was wondering.." I paused…"I was wondering if maybe…"

"If maybe what?"

"If maybe you would come to live with me from now on Shizuo. It would mean a lot and I really don't want to live alone any more. I want to be with you," I said, staring into my lap, my face full fledged crimson.

"Of course I would! That would be great. I would love to live with you Izaya, I would be honored to live with you," He said.

"Then it's settled. From now on, you live with me, oh and one more thing,"

"Hm?"

"Since you're living with me, you have to agree change your status to in a relationship," I said quietly.

"Sure Izaya-kun, " he smiled.

"Doki, You have rice stuck to your face." I leaned over to pick it off, a small tint crossing his own cheeks now.

I felt myself lean closer this time, connecting one last time. Absorbing the moment, letting us feel like one again.

I felt my arms wrap around him, pressing myself onto him.

We pulled apart one last time, the sun finally in full bloom above us.

"I love you Shizuo"

"I love you too Izaya"

_And with that, the chills that once captivated my body seemed to leave that day. They melted into a warm oblivion. I found something that was worth believing in other than truth, other than reality. I learned to believe in the subjective sunsets that grace the Earth, the subjective thrill of emotion that is love. I learned to believe in trust, because in the end, it brings you farther than what the truth will let you believe._

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><p><em><em>Okay guys, that's the end of Subjective Chills. Btw, on the Unagi-No-Kabayaki, that's how I learned to make it ( and call it) but if it's different from what you do, then I guess that's just up to you. Also, to keep from interfering with others, I just gave a very general description of it as well. So guys, look for more updates and my next story. Please tell me if you want a sequel or not, and I will take that into consideration.

I hope the ending was okay. Out of respect, I kept it pure. (Somewhat) But other than that, yeah aha. I really loved this story, since it was my first on FanFic, and I'm glad it was so popular with you all. There is so much love. I will be posting one more add on later (when ever I have a free moment) To recognize the reviewers who helped me the most. I love you all so much, and I can never express that as much as I would like to. Want to suggest at a more direct link? Or even just sit there and annoy the hell out of me? Here you go " ..com"Okay guys I have to shut my mouth, but _**THANK YOU ALL!**_

Happy Reading,

Eri-chan


	23. Chapter 23: Thank You ALL

Hey guys it is Eri-chan. I know, my Subjective Chills story is over, but I couldn't let this go without acknowledgement for those of you who helped my story to become popular, and who helped me to grow as an author. I still have a long way to go, but my first experience with FanFiction was a great one thanks to you all, so I will take a moment to thank you all.

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><p><em>For the ones who added the story to the fav. list:<em>

Armed with Waffles

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><p><em>For those of you who put me, Eri-chan, on your favourite author list:<em>

alphonse18

Fair Weather Tyrant

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Love-girl2015

Nana3212

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Tsumura Himi

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><p>Specific thanks to<strong> Nana3212,<strong> for being the first to add me to her favourite's list.

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><p>Thank you for making my story a success guys.<p>

I have received over** 70** reviews, and +**14,000** hits~!

I wanted to thank you guys to let you know that **_you are all_** appreciated. ^^

Without you, I am nothing.

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


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